I don't mean to be a racist but if you're going to get raped by a Japanese guy, it's not going to hurt at all.

A Muslim allowed a topless Jew to sit on his camel. And we say we can't live side by side? I say we try and we can and we will. And you don't even have to be topless. L'chaim.

We usually have margaritas on Thursdays but since it's Tuesday I'll make an exception.

Even if times are tough and you're enduring a terrible heartache, it's important to focus your anger on a vibrator, not another person.

Laugh loudly, laugh often, and most important, laugh at yourself.

I can't be skinny all the time. I like to drink and I like to eat. I like burgers and bagels.

I think we can all agree that sleeping around is a great way to meet people.

I'm very much about letting other people shine, because it makes us all shine brighter.

You do not OWN a dog. You HAVE a dog. And the dog HAS YOU

There are no warning signs on the trampoline. The warning is the trampoline.

I don't like the word 'alcoholic'. I like to think of myself as an advanced drinker.

I’m in love with fiction. A fantasy that slips between my fingers when reality sets in.

It took me 25 years for me to realize who I am. Now I'm going to use the next 75 years to focus on how I want to be remembered. One quarter down, three to go!

A child falls many times in attempt to walk. But never quit trying and eventually, the child is able to walk.

Words both written and read are my passion.

be the calm eye of the storm where nothing phases you, focus on your centre to remain balanced, let your life flow like a stream of wind

Any illness is a direct message to you that tells you how you have not been loving who you are, cherishing yourself in order to be who you are. This is the basis of all healing.

My father went into the armed service and I never saw my mother - I don't know what happened to her.

I want to win championship. That's the think I enjoy most.

There are no rules to writing a song.

Long have you timidly waded Holding a plank by the shore, Now I will you to be a bold swimmer, To jump off in the midst of the sea, Rise again, nod to me, shout, And laughingly dash with your hair.