I don't like grouper fish. Well, they're okay. They hang around star fish. Because they're grouper fish.

I want to rob a bank with a BB gun. "Give me all your money or I will give you a dimple! I will be rich, you will be cute. We both win."

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.

I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.

I wanted to get a tape recorder, but I got a parrot instead. I think I did that joke backwards.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

My roommate says, "I'm going to take a shower and shave. Does anyone need to use the bathroom?" It's like some weird quiz where he reveals the answer first.

Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1,000 of something is too many. I'll have 1,000 pieces of noodles.

Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.

Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.

I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.

Successful people play the part of being successful consistently in all that they do.

The fear of failure has no business in a mind that bears the willingness to learn and grow from all events of failures.

There is nothing as dangerous as an economist who only knows economics except the moral philosopher who knows no economics.

It is a public scandal that gives offence and it is no sin to sin in secret.

For some strange reason, no matter where I go, the place is always called "here".

I think it's important to watch out for our environment and to be careful.

Oh, how blessed young men are who have to struggle for a foundation and beginning in life.

My goal is to get peace and my goal is to see education of every child.

George Washington understood that the Bible is the place where God's records of right and wrong are kept.

I love hanging out with friends and family, going to the beach or just being a couch potato and binge watching TV shows or watching a good movie.