I don't know. When I was born there was a nurse taking care of me." "What's the matter? Couldn't the nurse take care of herself?" "Sure she could. I just found that out too late.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you.

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies.

A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.

Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others.

Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

[He] may talk like an idiot, and look like an idiot, but don't let that fool you: he really is an idiot.

People enjoy convincing others, if others are wrong they convince them towards right, if others are already right they still want to convince them towards wrong.

Being a writer-director can sometimes make you incredibly blinkered.

The immigration must be limited, that is, first and foremost the foreign cultural one.

Strangely, some songs you really don't want to write.

It is important to say all the great thoughts again, without knowing that they have already been said.

I promised to always bring up a glass of water to her before we go to bed, and she promised to never let me dress myself.

If you have a sweet tooth, you'll have a sweet mouth when you're done, because all your teeth are going to be sweet.

The most stormy ebullitions of passion, from blasphemy to murder, are less terrific than one single act of cool villainy.

I love stand-up more than anything, and I'm so happy to have found a way to use it in the show.

I have a film I want to direct. Gena Rowlands was going to do it with me a long time ago. It's about an older woman who's running a ranch in the west the old fashioned way.