I don't know, I find that honestly, the stand-up thing in some ways is a little bit of a cliché to carry around, because people don't consider stand-ups really actors.

The appetizer is just an excuse for an extra meal. Let's see, I will start with the eighty buffalo wings.

Yeah the appetizer, that's the food we eat before we have our food...No no you're thinking of dessert, that's food we eat after we have our food.

You wanna know how good bacon is? To improve other food, they wrap it in bacon.

Whenever you correct someone's grammar just remember that nobody likes you.

I talk kinda slow, especially for the Northeast, so it was a way to beat [would-be hecklers] to the punch.

My favorite vegetable is the marshmallow.

The only advantage to wearing glasses is that you can do that dramatic removal.

Anyone know if the shuttles to Hell will have Wifi? Asking for a friend.

One of the benefits of eating salad is that you can eat tons of it and never be satisfied.

In the end, the type of parent you are is going to be something that you carry with you. ... Having multiple kids, it's been a gift in a way. It's keeping the priorities straighter.

Free yourself, unwind, unravel. There’s no right or wrong way, just experience. Learning, understanding.

Excellence annoys your haters, success infuriates them, and genius kills them.

This seems to have been St. Augustine's very notion of "memory, " not just nostalgia for some past moment, but connecting past, present, and future in one complete contemplative knowing.

I'm sure not afraid of success and I've learned not to be afraid of failure. The only thing I'm afraid of now is of being someone I don't like much.

I'm a hopeless 19th-century romantic.

The social damage was not in the failure but in the undertaking, which was expensive. The cost of war was the poison running through the 14th century.

I don't think about who the audience is for my books.

I love pop music. It's not easy to write a good pop song. It may be easier to put out a fake jazz album, as Sting does from time to time.

Once a person is determined to help themselves, there is nothing that can stop them.

All real philosophers have been artists in the realm of concepts.