I didn't have any success in show business until I was 30 to 31 years of age.

Of course on air I use occasional hyperbole to tell a story.

You don't cruise the Internet looking for your name and walk away with a good feeling. So, I never do it.

If you want to have a good life, you should focus on your family, on your business, on your dog, on your fun, and you'll have a good life.

Don’t do your best, do my best.

I feel like I'm a time traveler from the future who has been sent back to be annoyed.

Asking someone in advance not judge you, is like asking someone in advance not to smell you.

No one is depressed when they're being chased by a bear.

I like the freedom of podcasting. With podcasting you can really mess around with the form and the format. You can do as much time as you like without having to pause for commercials.

You shouldn't be eating anything that takes six minutes to microwave.

If the media isnt slanted toward the Left, why is everyone so worried about my affiliation with Glenn Beck but not with Alec Baldwin?

Life isn't filled with perfect harmony. The world is littered with bum notes, off-key moments and tuneless episodes. The trick is to find your own music, to ignore the discord and sing your own tune.

She didn't know whether she was running away from something or running to something, but she admitted that deep in her heart she wanted to go home.

We are not even going to throw the challenge of changing a whole generation before the modern day church. This generation of believers don’t even know what that means

When I saw you I fell in love. And you smiled because you knew.

Great art is horseshit, buy tacos.

A million dollars isn't what it used to be.

I learned to win by learning to lose- that means not being afraid of losing.

There are some heads which have no windows, and the day can never strike from above; nothing enters from heavenard.

It's the thinking that gets you killed.

As a writer, I play with words all day long. I toy with them, listen for their overtones, crack them open, and try to stuff my thoughts inside.