I bring up God alot in my show, know why? Because I miss him.

Who is more irrational, the guy who believes in a God he can't see, or a guy who's offended by a God he doesn't believe in?

If we all die and there is no God, then it's just eternal unconsciousness, you'll never know, but if you're wrong... you'll know forever.

Get out of our schools God, get out of our textbooks God, get out of our government God, go away God, go away God, go away God, Katrina hits, God, where are you?

We should have a way of telling people they have bad breath without hurting their feelings. Well, I'm bored. Let's go brush our teeth. Or, I've got to make a phone call. Hold this gum in your mouth.

The way to stop political correctness is to not do it. If someone says, You offended me then you say I don't care! If they're offended by the truth, that's their issue!

Talk about sexist - have you ever, ever, heard someone come up to a woman and say 'find your masculine side?' And by the way women, if you find your masculine side - I'm not interested.

If God is a crutch, then atheism is a coma.

I suffer from two phobias: 1) Phobia-Phobia, the fear that you're unable to get scared, and 2) Xylophataquieopiaphobia, the fear of not pronouncing words correctly.

If the truth conflicts with my beliefs, I change my beliefs.

I don't hate cats...as long as they stay on the freeway, where they belong.

We ought to seek daily grace. The sacred-spirit is willing but the flesh is weak.

It is utterly naive, futile, uninformed—to think that our species is exceptional. So designated to master the beasts of the Earth, as in the Book of Genesis!

Maybe nature is fundamentally ugly, chaotic and complicated. But if it's like that, then I want out.

I'm a confident person. I just try to be me. I like to make people laugh, I am a comedienne - so if people find me sexy, that's awesome.

Over the last 10 years, there have been so many incredible albums created in bedrooms by people who never would've gotten an album deal.

If the point of good art is to be somewhat subtle then it's not going to catch everyone.

I convinced him his luggage had gone to that big Bermuda Triangle in the sky.

This man dresses like an unmade bed.

Our differences with [Joseph] Stalin are entirely of a strategical character.

Success is the exponential effect of little things done consistently over time.