I adore my apartment in New York. It was a ballroom that I remade, so it's like a loft but done by Louis the Fifteenth.

My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it's missing, and what's there stinks.

My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.

I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

We don't apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don't get it, then don't watch us.

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn't get better. YOU get better.

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'

Often, exactly big complexes force an individual to achieve their big goals and massive success.

A revolution is not a bed of roses. A revolution is a struggle between the future and the past.

In the end that was the choice you made, and it doesn't matter how hard it was to make it. It matters that you did.

Maybe Scotty the Potty turned into Scotty the Hottie. Have you thought about that?

Hope nothing from foreign governments. They will never be really willing to aid you until you have shown that you are strong enough to conquer without them.

People think responsibility is hard to bear. It's not. I think that sometimes it is the absence of responsibility that is harder to bear. You have a great feeling of impotence.

I have met a great many people on their way towards God and I wonder why they have chosen to look for him rather than themselves.

There is no better way of industrializing the villages of India than the spinning wheel.

The Christian life is what you do when you realize that you can do nothing.

America gets rock stars a little more than Canada does.