History n: an account mostly false of events mostly unimportant which are brought about by rulers mostly knaves and soldiers mostly fools.

Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret.

The most affectionate creature in the world is a wet dog.

War is God's way of teaching Americans geography.

In our civilization, and under our republican form of government, intelligence is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption from the cares of office.

Mayonnaise: One of the sauces which serve the French in place of a state religion.

Admiral. That part of a warship which does the talking while the figurehead does the thinking.

Spring beckons! All things to the call respond; the trees are leaving and cashiers abscond.

NEPOTISM, n. Appointing your grandmother to office for the good of the party.

Divorce: a resumption of diplomatic relations and rectification of boundaries.

Clairvoyant, n.: A person, commonly a woman, who has the power of seeing that which is invisible to her patron - namely, that he is a blockhead.

The best way to accomplish something is to just do it, and then find the courage afterwards.

You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy.

I'm very passionate about philosophy and religion.

I will build a car for the great multitude.

The difference between magic and miracles is this. Magic is when you use your mind to tell the Universe what you want. Miracles is when you ask the Universe what it wants and how you can serve it'

I have the same bedroom I've always had. It's clean and tidy when I get home, and after two or three days it gets messy and my mother nags me.

The tears that heal are also the tears that scald and scourge.

I married a damned cereal killer

A woman needs to be told she is beautiful. She needs to be told she is valued. She needs to be told she is worthwhile.

Recognize the skills and traits you don't possess, and hire the people who have them.