For a few minutes, everything is so cute that the mind reels.... And then, believe it or not, things get worse. So I shot myself.

Of course I talk to myself. I like a good speaker, and I appreciate an intelligent audience.

The first thing I do in the morning is brush my teeth and sharpen my tongue.

The only dependable law of life - everything is always worse than you thought it was going to be.

Creativity is a wild mind and a disciplined eye.

I like to have a martini/Two at the very most/After three I'm under the table/After four I'm under my host.

Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.

Men seldom make passes at girls who wear glasses.

If you want to know what God thinks about money, just look at the people He gives it to.

Never throw mud: you can miss the target, but your hands will remain dirty.

Years are only garments, and you either wear them with style all your life, or else you go dowdy to the grave.

In 50 years it won't matter if he's handsome, ugly, or dumb as a post, just try to find someone who don't make you want to shove a pitchfork up his nose.

The more good ideas you have, the more good ideas you will get.

After 14 months of military service, I had a wife, a child, half an apartment, no car, and no job.

How the hell can a person go to work in the morning And come home in the evening and have nothing to say

I dream about having a house by the water and not doing anything, not feeling ambitious, nor having the need to make money.

... I have always been a disappointment to my friends. I have no gift of talk, not much to say; and though I have always been an excellent listener, that only succeeds under auspicious circumstances.

The Falcon and the Dove sit there together, And th 'one of them doth prune the others feather.

I am not at all cynical, I have merely got experience, which, however, is very much the same thing.

Marriage is not for individual happiness, but for the welfare of the nation and the caste.

I hate nothing more than having my nails painted. I feel like I'm in time out.