Donald Trump's hairpiece has reportedly narrowed its list of running partners down to Don King, Kramer, William Shatner, Dolly Parton and Phil Spector, and has no worries about being upstaged.

What do you call a comedian who runs for president? A trump card.

Trump appeals to right-wingnuts because when the going gets tough, they wig out.

Did evangelical Christians mistake Donald Trump's hairpiece for a halo, while ignoring the obvious signs that he worships Mammon?

Donald Trump has taken the Peter Principle to unprecedented heights. Or is it depths?

If brevity is the soul of wit then brevity and levity are the whole of it.

It's not that every leaf must finally fall, it's just that we can never catch them all.

Trump appeals to the disaffected by loudly trumpet-ing what they want to hear: other people are always the problem, and the solution is to either put them in their proper place or get rid of them.

Many presidents have believed in God, but Donald Trump evidently believes that he is God.

Teddy Roosevelt spoke softly and carried a big stick; Donald Trump speaks loudly and carries a big shtick.

It's simply not true that Donald Trump has no experience in foreign affairs. Hell, two of his foreign affairs resulted in marriages!

Haven't we all, as time continues, found that we must be kind to ourselves and listen to our thoughts, because fewer and fewer of those remain who know what is most real to us?

Did you ever stop to think that even if I am a monster, I might be your soulmate anyway?

My doctors warned me repeatedly that if you don't stay positive, you don't do well.

My personal conviction is that science is concerned wholly with truth, not with ethics.

Gordon Way's astonishment at being suddenly shot dead was nothing compared to his astonishment at what happened next.

The artist accepts the limitations of form, not with fear and dread, but as the starting point of creation.

Let the subject generate its own photographs. Become a camera.

Maybe I don't want to be defined by what I do. Maybe I'd like to be defined by what I am.

This is [Joe] Biden's unique way. I mean, here's a guy that never makes a gaffe, right?

Christians, and some Jews, claim we're in the "end times," but they've been saying this off and on for more than two thousand years.