Don't send funny greeting cards on birthdays or at Christmas. Save them for funerals, when their cheery effect is needed.

Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.

There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL convertible.

Mercedes Benz : A mechanical device that increases sexual arousal in women.

Tabasco sauce is to bachelor cooking what forgiveness is to sin.

A firm, hearty handshake gives a good first impression, and you'll never be forgiven if you don't live up to it.

At the core of liberalism is the spoiled child — miserable, as all spoiled children are, unsatisfied, demanding, ill-disciplined, despotic and useless. Liberalism is a philosophy of sniveling brats.

There's a whiff of the lynch mob or the lemming migration about any overlarge concentration of like-thinking individuals, no matter how virtuous their cause.

Even very young children need to be informed about dying. Explain the concept of death very carefully to your child. This will make threatening him with it much more effective.

Watching Republicans in Washington is like watching lemmings, if lemmings jumped into cesspools instead of off cliffs. Splash! There goes Mark Foley!

Authority has always attracted the lowest elements in the human race

Love lights our darkness. It is forever tries.

I want to speak to the dream in your heart. That dream that has taken a backseat as you have strived to live up to something different.

I don't want to describe the hate mail we've gotten. On why she was fearful of her husband running for president.

You'll find your life greatly simplified if you only worry about stuff you can fix.

I'm a believer in the Tea Party. I love the Tea Party. I love the people in the Tea Party. And, yes, I have a lot of different likes and maybe dislikes. And I don't know why.

Noise is evolving not only the endurers of noise but the needers of noise.

The betrayal meant he couldn't trust her anymore, and his heart told him he couldn't forgive her.

But I don't want to die! I have so much to do!

Many of the most difficult questions concerning the role of ethnic minorities centers on language.

Sometimes there just isn't enough vomit in the world.