Don't cook. Don't clean. No man will ever make love to a woman because she waxed the linoleum.

My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it's missing, and what's there stinks.

My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.

I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

We don't apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don't get it, then don't watch us.

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn't get better. YOU get better.

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'

Danger gleams like sunshine to a brave man's eyes.

Platonic England, house of solitudes, rests in its laurels and its injured stone

Just be true to you. What works for me might not work for someone else and what works for someone else might not work for me.

No season now for calm, familiar talk.

There is no such thing as a paper loss. A paper loss is a very real loss.

Here I'm here- the snow falling.

A rock musician's career is short-lived. To extend it, you need to do other things to keep yourself fresh.

More stars in the north are seen not to set, while in the south certain stars are no longer seen to rise.

If you don't have any enemies in life you have never stood up for anything.