Dogs are easier to love than people; they're certainly more dependable. Once they love you, that's it. A true friend in life is a dog.

My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it's missing, and what's there stinks.

My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.

I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

We don't apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don't get it, then don't watch us.

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn't get better. YOU get better.

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'

Unfortunately, we spend more time teaching our daughters how to avoid becoming rape victims than teaching our sons not to become rapists.

I curled closer to May, comforted by her warmth.

Well married a person has wings, poorly married shackles.

The country that is more developed industrially only shows, to the less developed, the image of its own future.

No hoary falsehood shall be a truth to me; no stifling dogma shall encramp my pen!

The creed of sacrifice is a morality for the immoral.

I guess the definition of a lunatic is a man surrounded by them.

Very few of the early Italian humanists were really humane.

I wore my same look for six years. My hat and glasses - people recognize me now.

The Rift, which was well over a thousand pages of manuscript, took two years.