Deep down in me I knowed it was a lie and He knowed it. You can't pray a lie-I found that out.

The two most important days in your life are the day you are born and the day you find out why.

If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

Never regret anything that made you smile.

All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence, and then success is sure.

Never argue with stupid people, they will drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience.

Life is short, Break the Rules. Forgive quickly, Kiss slowly. Love truly. Laugh uncontrollably And never regret ANYTHING That makes you smile.

Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you feel that you, too, can become great.

Politicians and diapers must be changed often, and for the same reason.

Kindness is the language which the deaf can hear and the blind can see.

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

By my soul I swear, there is no power in the tongue of man to alter me.

Free drinks have no carbs.

If I have never mourned over my waywardness, then I have no solid ground for rejoicing.

Heaven will be the perfection we've always longed for. All the things that made Earth unlovely and tragic will be absent in heaven.

When people come to my shows, they have the freedom to feel something, and we're all just a big bowl of feels.

We don't live in our fears. We live in our hopes.

On Hanukkah, the first dark night, Light yourself a candle bright. I'll you, if you will me invite To dance within that gentle light.

If you try to delight the undelightable, you've made yourself miserable for no reason.

$100,000 donors buy access to Congress and the White House. We believe it's long past time to clean up Washington.

Never having alone time is real tough on people.