Corporation: An ingenious device for obtaining profit without individual responsibility.

Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret.

The most affectionate creature in the world is a wet dog.

War is God's way of teaching Americans geography.

In our civilization, and under our republican form of government, intelligence is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption from the cares of office.

Mayonnaise: One of the sauces which serve the French in place of a state religion.

Admiral. That part of a warship which does the talking while the figurehead does the thinking.

Spring beckons! All things to the call respond; the trees are leaving and cashiers abscond.

NEPOTISM, n. Appointing your grandmother to office for the good of the party.

Divorce: a resumption of diplomatic relations and rectification of boundaries.

Clairvoyant, n.: A person, commonly a woman, who has the power of seeing that which is invisible to her patron - namely, that he is a blockhead.

Life is one grand sweet song so start the music

Nobody likes having salt rubbed into their wounds even if it is the salt of the earth.

Gambling is legal and betting is legal, for what I bet.

Why does a suppurating lung give so little warning and a sore on the finger so much?

The Pathan people of Waziristan are proud people who I greatly admire.

Amor deliria nervosa: It affects your mind so that you cannot think clearly, or make rational decisions about your own well-being. Symptom number twelve.

I think communication starts when words are not present at all ... I think we put so much emphasis on language, actually silence is so much more important.

The jewel in the baby product crown is the stroller. And if in America you are what you drive, then in Parentland, you are what you push.

Such sorrow— The cry of true compassion Sinks into my hard ego.