Committee: A group of men who keep minutes and waste hours.

If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door

If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door.

If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?

My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already.

Laughter is an instant vacation.

Anytime a person goes into a delicatessen and orders a pastrami on white bread, somewhere a Jew dies.

The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired.

Laughter is the best medicine in the world.

Marriage is one of the few institutions that allow a man to do as his wife pleases.

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.

No one should fear to undertake any task in the name of our Saviour, if it is just and if the intention is purely for His holy service.

At least for the people who send me mail about a new language that they're designing, the general advice is: do it to learn about how to write a compiler

Governments and nations should sit together and resolve issues. Reforms must be reached through understanding. But others should not interfere.

Revenge is the raging fire that consumes the arsonist.

Some minds are like soup in a poor restaurant—better left unstirred.

The thing I miss the most about Scotland is the football.

I don't play racing games, unless it's 'Mario Kart.

True love makes the thought of death frequent, easy, without terrors; it merely becomes the standard of comparison, the price one would pay for many things.

Nobody lives forever, but we all shine on.

No matter your sector, chances are that people are already twittering about your products, your brand, your company or at least your industry.