Comedians rarely have writers, and if you do it's usually a sign of laziness.

The appetizer is just an excuse for an extra meal. Let's see, I will start with the eighty buffalo wings.

Yeah the appetizer, that's the food we eat before we have our food...No no you're thinking of dessert, that's food we eat after we have our food.

You wanna know how good bacon is? To improve other food, they wrap it in bacon.

Whenever you correct someone's grammar just remember that nobody likes you.

I talk kinda slow, especially for the Northeast, so it was a way to beat [would-be hecklers] to the punch.

My favorite vegetable is the marshmallow.

The only advantage to wearing glasses is that you can do that dramatic removal.

Anyone know if the shuttles to Hell will have Wifi? Asking for a friend.

One of the benefits of eating salad is that you can eat tons of it and never be satisfied.

In the end, the type of parent you are is going to be something that you carry with you. ... Having multiple kids, it's been a gift in a way. It's keeping the priorities straighter.

Because a sound tree doesn't have bad roots, Amara. No enterprise of greatnessbegins with treachery, with lying to the people who trust and love you

Memory has strange power keeps full data of the past.

I want my life to be about LIVING, not leaving --which is why I'm LEAVING nothing behind.

Put meunderneath God's sky and know medon't just look at me with your eyesTake awaythis mask of flesh and bone andsee me for my soulalone

The Herbs ought to be distilled when they are in their greatest vigor, and so ought the Flowers also.

Who needs astrology? The wise man gets by on fortune cookies.

We know that appropriators will fight these cutbacks. But by eliminating earmarks, we can stop the horse trading that grows agency budgets.

If you could see the earth illuminated when you were in a place as dark as night, it would look to you more splendid than the moon.

I always find stuff in my characters to relate to.

I think socialism is really about recognizing that there are limits to what the market can do. The market is very useful; at times it works very well, but it doesn't always work.