Clinton left the White House with all the class of an XFL halftime show.

I have a problem with people who take the Constitution loosely and the Bible literally.

The reason I love my dog so much is because when I come home, he's the only one in the world who treats me like I'm the Beatles.

Let's face it; God has a big ego problem. Why do we always have to worship him?

The problem is that the people with the most ridiculous ideas are always the people who are most certain of them.

If you have a gun, you can rob a bank, but if you have a bank, you can rob everyone.

False hope really makes you cynical.

To a coward, courage always looks like stupidity.

It's not getting any better for the American people. It seems to be getting worse. That's predictable; education is a cycle. Stupidity breeds more stupidity.

You know what happens when windmills collapse into the sea? A splash.

Here's the thing about Donald Trump: He never apologizes. He's never wrong, no matter what crazy thing he says. He's totally - he's the white Kanye.

My soul will find yours.

Everything changes, and there’s no denying that. But change isn’t always bad, as long as you hold onto who you truly are, and hold onto each other.

Every mom has her own battle. Win yours without being 'nyinyir' to others.

You may see all that is around youBut you may feel nothing at all.So try and close your eyes so tightAnd listen to the night time fall.

My golf is getting better all the time. Today I parred all but sixteen holes.

As a chef and father, it kills me that children are fed processed foods, fast food clones, foods loaded with preservatives and high-fructose corn syrup.

I write with a mouse, because it has no psychological associations or memories or habits associated with it.

Just because someone disagrees with you doesn't mean you're wrong.

The power of verse stems from an indefinable harmony between when it says and what it is.

People are saying that I'm an alcoholic, and that's not true, because I only drink when I work, and I'm a workaholic.