Both of my parents got to see me host Carson, thank God. That's all anyone wants: to have their parents see they're going to be all right in life.

My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it's missing, and what's there stinks.

My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.

I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

We don't apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don't get it, then don't watch us.

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn't get better. YOU get better.

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'

Let no one who loves be called altogether unhappy. Even love unreturned has its rainbow - James Matthew Barrie

The next time you think you're perfect, try walking on water.

The fact I've been in every lineup of Yes has been more by default than design.

Popular men, They must create strange monsters, and then quell them, To make their arts seem something.

It is because modern education is so seldom inspired by a great hope that it so seldom achieves great results.

I love dark chocolate. I love it.

When it's time to let someone go, do it right. No surprises. No humiliation.

Language designed to impress builds a gulf. Language to express builds a bridge.

Formula One was a very dangerous sport. It still is dangerous. But the danger factor is also the exciting part.

Beauty is such a fleeting blossom, how can wisdom rely upon its momentary delight?