At my age an affair of the heart is a bypass!

My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it's missing, and what's there stinks.

My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.

I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

We don't apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don't get it, then don't watch us.

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn't get better. YOU get better.

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'

Wherever mom is, there is my heart and my home.

I am grateful for every situation. I discovered my potential strength.

It was very sad under the trees. Although spring was well advanced, in the deep shade there was nothing but death-rotten leaves, gray and white fungi, and over everything a funeral hush.

Don't make me kill you at this hour in the morning Jimmy. It's not civilized.

A son of the Immaculate Heart of Mary...is a man who unceasingly expends himself to light the fire of divine love in the world. Nothing stops him.

We cannot exercise our faith beyond what we believe to be possible.

When bad things happened to other people, I imagined them happening to me. I didn’t know if this was empathy or theft.

It is when we think we lead that we are most led.

He's a good, brave and honourable soldier.

Many times in my life I've been upset about something and said to myself, "Will this matter in two years?" Not even in two months.