America may be the best country in the world, but that's kind of like being the valedictorian of summer school.

Here in Hollywood you can actually get a marriage license printed on an Etch-A-Sketch.

The radical right is so homophobic that they're blaming global warming on the AIDS quilt.

Washington, DC is to lying what Wisconsin is to cheese.

The easiest job in the world has to be coroner. Surgery on dead people. What's the worst thing that could happen? If everything went wrong, maybe you'd get a pulse.

We need anything politically important rationed out like Pez: small, sweet, and coming out of a funny, plastic head.

You've got bad eating habits if you use a grocery cart in 7-Eleven.

Maybe democrats will eventually turn on Obamacare when they realize you might need a photo I.D. to participate in the program.

Xenophobia doesn't benefit anybody unless you're playing high-stakes Scrabble.

There is a chalk outline slowly being drawn around common sense and most people can't identify the victim.

It's foolish to be prejudiced. There are so many reasons to hate people on an individual basis.

I used my mental illness as a springboard to the rest of my life.

Why should I care about you first kiss, ' he said. 'You can kiss anyone you like. But sometimes if you wanted to kiss me, that would be all right, too.

Man is happy only as he finds work worth doing - and does it well

The comforting thing for Australian actors is that there's a strong community in L.A. as well - it's almost like you swap one home for another. I didn't feel any pressure.

In very large measure each of us holds the key to the blessings of the Almighty upon us. If we wish the blessing, we must pay the price.

We may complain and cavil at the anarchy which is the amateurs natural element, but in soberness we must agree that if the amateur did not exist it would be necessary to invent him.

A good story is like a bitter pill, with the sugar coating inside of it.

I love the morning time - a cup of coffee and to sit at the piano, that's probably my favorite time.

You know, you're really nobody in L.A. unless you live in a house with a really big door.