A true friend will go with the instagram filter that flatters you.

My definition of love is: Being willing to die for someone, that you yourself want to kill.

I have so much to be thankful for. I work with the most amazing people, get to make people laugh for a living and have the most amazing friends. But, I am mostly thankful for Spanx.

I don't think that women necessarily always write like women. I was a writer on the Comedy Central Roasts for a while, and I always wrote the jokes that people assumed the men would write.

I guess the verdict is in - I am not a sociopath. It's not effective or productive not to be nice. It would undermine the goals I want to achieve on any given day.

Good evening, America. I'm a woman, and welcome to The Late Late Show.

Saying women aren't funny is now like saying Asians can't drive or saying black people have bad credit. It's just really, like, so obsolete.

Why do all balls look like they're 150 years old?

I don't want to look at myself - ever. All I see is that my face is a problem. It's asymmetrical. I get terrible bags under my eyes.

After school, I'd wait for someone to pick me up and no one would, so I'd be like, 'I guess I'll walk home.' I had to be a hustler, because nobody did anything for me.

We should keep the dead before our eyes, and honor them as though still living

when you're young you do think that things last forever unfortunately they don't Lyra.

The most important principle of divine philosophy is the oneness of the world of humanity, the unity of mankind, the bond conjoining East and West, the tie of love which blends human hearts.

Though thou wert scattered to the wind, Yet is there plenty of the kind.

I love sleeping in a moving car more than sleeping in bed.

I think we can rule out 'mixed brain dominance' as a cause of your poor performance at school, Charlie Brown" "Have you ruled out stupidity?" "Peanuts", Charles M

As soon as you stop thinking about them, they'll send you a text message or call you. Because they know you stopped thinking about them. It's like a radar.

Give up meat to save the planet.

We approach a condition in which we shall be amoral without the capacity to perceive it and degraded without the means to measure our descent.

Success is when your name is in everything but the telephone directory.