I don't think that women necessarily always write like women. I was a writer on the Comedy Central Roasts for a while, and I always wrote the jokes that people assumed the men would write.

My definition of love is: Being willing to die for someone, that you yourself want to kill.

A true friend will go with the instagram filter that flatters you.

I have so much to be thankful for. I work with the most amazing people, get to make people laugh for a living and have the most amazing friends. But, I am mostly thankful for Spanx.

I guess the verdict is in - I am not a sociopath. It's not effective or productive not to be nice. It would undermine the goals I want to achieve on any given day.

Good evening, America. I'm a woman, and welcome to The Late Late Show.

Saying women aren't funny is now like saying Asians can't drive or saying black people have bad credit. It's just really, like, so obsolete.

Why do all balls look like they're 150 years old?

I don't want to look at myself - ever. All I see is that my face is a problem. It's asymmetrical. I get terrible bags under my eyes.

After school, I'd wait for someone to pick me up and no one would, so I'd be like, 'I guess I'll walk home.' I had to be a hustler, because nobody did anything for me.

I share my happiness and sorrowCos I know for once there will be no tomorrowIf I wish to live in your memoriesI too have to be there to share your worriesSpeak up to your friend, am just a call away

The world's very small when you don't have anywhere to go.

Weakness is oftentimes so palpable as to be equivalent to wickedness.

I want to be your stranger across a crowded room.

Too often, we spend our days thinking about what we don't have rather than what we do have. Be grateful every day.

Yeah, I think on my resume it still says that - that I can juggle.

I have experienced some amazing food! Yet when I think about the most luxurious and exquisite meals I have had, visions of simple food made from a few natural ingredients are what most excite me.

People can be committed to a mental institution only after judicial hearing, but people are committed to schools beyond the reach of Habeas Corpus.

You cannot of yourself move your arm or alter your position, situation, posture, do to other men good or evil, or effect the least change in the world.

But young hearts mend easily, and hearts that own half of England have something better to do than to beat faster for love.