I have so much to be thankful for. I work with the most amazing people, get to make people laugh for a living and have the most amazing friends. But, I am mostly thankful for Spanx.

My definition of love is: Being willing to die for someone, that you yourself want to kill.

A true friend will go with the instagram filter that flatters you.

I don't think that women necessarily always write like women. I was a writer on the Comedy Central Roasts for a while, and I always wrote the jokes that people assumed the men would write.

I guess the verdict is in - I am not a sociopath. It's not effective or productive not to be nice. It would undermine the goals I want to achieve on any given day.

Good evening, America. I'm a woman, and welcome to The Late Late Show.

Saying women aren't funny is now like saying Asians can't drive or saying black people have bad credit. It's just really, like, so obsolete.

Why do all balls look like they're 150 years old?

I don't want to look at myself - ever. All I see is that my face is a problem. It's asymmetrical. I get terrible bags under my eyes.

After school, I'd wait for someone to pick me up and no one would, so I'd be like, 'I guess I'll walk home.' I had to be a hustler, because nobody did anything for me.

The burden of knowledge is lighter than the joy of ignorance.

Retirement from Job does not mean retirement from life! It is the beginning not an end!

I am heat obsessed. I crave the heat in my bedroom.

Happiness is something that you can definitely achieve. At first, it will just come for a moment or two. Then it will come for longer periods of time. Eventually you will be happy all of the time.

The commerce of the world is conducted by the strong, and usually it operates against the weak.

Sometimes what we want to do and what we must do are not the same. Pasquo, the smaller the space between your desire and what is right, the happier you will be.

Those who never take risks can only see other people's failures.

Eff love. Come out of the situation and look at it third person.

They sent me away to teach me how to be sensible, Logical, oh responsible, practical. And they showed me a world where I could be so dependable, Oh clinical, oh intellectual, cynical...

You change people by delight, by pleasure.