After school, I'd wait for someone to pick me up and no one would, so I'd be like, 'I guess I'll walk home.' I had to be a hustler, because nobody did anything for me.

My definition of love is: Being willing to die for someone, that you yourself want to kill.

A true friend will go with the instagram filter that flatters you.

I have so much to be thankful for. I work with the most amazing people, get to make people laugh for a living and have the most amazing friends. But, I am mostly thankful for Spanx.

I don't think that women necessarily always write like women. I was a writer on the Comedy Central Roasts for a while, and I always wrote the jokes that people assumed the men would write.

I guess the verdict is in - I am not a sociopath. It's not effective or productive not to be nice. It would undermine the goals I want to achieve on any given day.

Good evening, America. I'm a woman, and welcome to The Late Late Show.

Saying women aren't funny is now like saying Asians can't drive or saying black people have bad credit. It's just really, like, so obsolete.

Why do all balls look like they're 150 years old?

I don't want to look at myself - ever. All I see is that my face is a problem. It's asymmetrical. I get terrible bags under my eyes.

The music we listen to may not define who we are. But it’s a damn good start.

We are all Romeos looking for our Juliet, but never finding her.

Age 50 is a lot tougher than 40s

Repeating the name of the Beloved I have become the Beloved myself. Whom shall I call the Beloved now?

For in every particular of the Word there is an internal sense which treats of things spiritual and heavenly, not of things natural and worldly, such as are treated of in the sense of the letter.

I try stuff. I synthesize what's of value with some of the other things I have at my disposal.

There is no need to put your heart in a bottle, then you will die. - Ty from Stolen

Search out the wisdom of nature, there is depth in all her doings; she seemeth prodigal of power, yet her rules are the maxims of frugality.

We are responsible for everything that happens in this world. We are warriors of light, and with the strength of our love and of our will we can change our destiny and that of many other people.

It's relatively easy to generate a lot of enthusiasm for Puget Sound in the short term. Sustaining the effort to clean it up is somewhat tougher.