A lot of weird ads. Sally Struthers with that little kid: 'Just 55 cents, the price of a cup of coffee, feeds this kid and his family for a week.' Yeah, where is that? 'Cause I wanna move there.

Why are hemorrhoids called hemorrhoids and asteroids called asteroids? Wouldn't it make more sense if it was the other way around? But if that was true, then a proctologist would be an astronaut.

What do you say when your friends come to visit and the dog starts humping their leg. Well, if it's a pit bull, you say, "You better let him finish."

My mom told me when I was younger that when you jack off all of your dead relatives are watching. But then I figured who were they going to tell.

It's my mission to try and give people fighting the disease the same gifts of laughter and a positive attitude I had. Hopefully, my career as a comic will give me the forum to touch these people.

Because when you’re laughing, there is no other emotion in that moment except for joy.

It's fun to be in California. The police are kind of weird here. They ask you stupid questions. 'Do you know why I pulled you over?' Because I have pot in the glove compartment?

You know you're out of shape when you have a heart attack when you're watching television.

I'm not ready to die. Period. To begin with, I cannot imagine a future without me in it. Can't do it.

I went to rent a car, and the guy goes, 'Do you want the extra insurance?' I said, 'Why...am I gonna get into an extra accident?

A title from the1966 movie"The Russians Are Coming, The Russians Are Coming, " gives a new meaning toa phrase: "wait a minute, we've seen this movie before

There was an ocean above us, held in by a thin sac that might rupture and let down a flood at any second.

Your problems can never complicate your life without you complicating them with your interpretations.

But the things that we feel most deeply we ought to learn to be silent about, at least until we have talked them over thoroughly with God.

When you pay attention to detail, the big picture will take care of itself.

Most of us are so busy trying to manage, maintain, or even just survive our life situation, that we don't make time to focus on what's most important - our LIFE.

Kids lose their trust in the parents they love, but still accept them, so they end up not trusting themselves anymore.

You can become blind by seeing each day as a similar one.

If I want to keep working as an actor, I'm going to become a comedian who does fart jokes.

We all have a lot more to read than we can read and a lot more to do than we can do.