My mom told me when I was younger that when you jack off all of your dead relatives are watching. But then I figured who were they going to tell.

Why are hemorrhoids called hemorrhoids and asteroids called asteroids? Wouldn't it make more sense if it was the other way around? But if that was true, then a proctologist would be an astronaut.

A lot of weird ads. Sally Struthers with that little kid: 'Just 55 cents, the price of a cup of coffee, feeds this kid and his family for a week.' Yeah, where is that? 'Cause I wanna move there.

What do you say when your friends come to visit and the dog starts humping their leg. Well, if it's a pit bull, you say, "You better let him finish."

It's my mission to try and give people fighting the disease the same gifts of laughter and a positive attitude I had. Hopefully, my career as a comic will give me the forum to touch these people.

Because when you’re laughing, there is no other emotion in that moment except for joy.

It's fun to be in California. The police are kind of weird here. They ask you stupid questions. 'Do you know why I pulled you over?' Because I have pot in the glove compartment?

You know you're out of shape when you have a heart attack when you're watching television.

I'm not ready to die. Period. To begin with, I cannot imagine a future without me in it. Can't do it.

I went to rent a car, and the guy goes, 'Do you want the extra insurance?' I said, 'Why...am I gonna get into an extra accident?

Let's stop fighting over who we believe created the planet, & work together against those that choose to destroy it.

Happiness is the good life that is marked by flourishing well-being, joy, prosperity, peace, satisfaction, and pleasure.

First of all my real full name is Lloyd Vernet Bridges III.

I don't care about the past.

We've got to establish a socialistic economic structure that will limit private, profit-oriented businesses.

...the landscape inside Lord of the Rings was so stunning and so stupendous that it could be absorbed as a form of nourishment.

You have people who can't act and they get all these parts. Paris Hilton falls into her own category. She's made a career out of it

We stand separate from the world because of our gifts. Never forget that, because you may be sure the world never will.

I had a little more freedom when I started sampling because you could actually do what you wanted to do.