A female salmon lays three thousand eggs a year - and has yet to receive a Mother's Day card from one of them.

My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it's missing, and what's there stinks.

My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.

I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

We don't apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don't get it, then don't watch us.

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn't get better. YOU get better.

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'

Regardless of Sunshine or Rain, Be Thankful for another GREAT day…and treat Life as the ULTIMATE Gift.... Because IT IS :)

If we can't alter the tide of events, at least we can be nearby with towels to mop up.

All the power in the world, resides inside you.If you let it.

A friend won't always be there, at times you are on your own, but alone you still may find light.

For days after death hair and fingernails continue to grow, but phone calls taper off.

It ain't no use putting up your umbrella till it rains.

The Patriots deflated balls are but an allegory for America's deflated balls in dealings with Putin, the Mullahs in Iran, and Islamic terrorists.

Let's share our abundance and make our country stronger.

If we really face our sadness, we find it speaks with the voice of our deepest longing. And if we face it a little longer we find that it teaches us the way to attain what we long for.

Animal totems, like the tiger, come from the Other Side to protect us while we are away from Home.