A father carries pictures where his money used to be.

A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.

Before you criticize a man, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, when you do criticize him, you'll be a mile away and have his shoes.

Talking about music is like dancing about architecture.

I believe the United States should allow all foreigners in this country, provided they can speak our native language... Apache.

Be so good they can't ignore you.

I think I did pretty well, considering I started out with nothing but a bunch of blank paper.

I thought yesterday was the first day of the rest of my life but it turns out today is.

Relationships end, but they don't end your life. But people do often spending more time finding out about failed relationships than finding successful ones.

Relationships end, but they don't end your life.

Some people have a way with words, and other people...oh, uh, not have way.

The revelation that personal truth can be the foundation of comedy, that outrageousness can be cleansing and healthy…

As soon as it is held that any belief, no matter what, is important for some other reason than that it is true, a whole host of evils is ready to spring up.

I say vote for Trump. Vote for Trump. We're going to do a lot of thing that are going to make this country much better. We're going to do tremendous things.

I don't know much about only children. I was the middle one of three, and if ever I was alone with mum and dad, it was a rare moment.

If there is something I would like to do as President of the General Assembly, it is to place more emphasis on the issue of education, which enables a better life for women.

The money is with people who have taken advantage of every single break in the tax code.

What we know is far less important than what we use.

The ghastly thing about postal strikes is that after they are over, the service returns to normal.

Maybe I won't have as much energy. And maybe the highs in my voice won't be what they used to be. But exercise is helping me pace myself.

I am billed as a humorist, but of course I am a tragedian at heart.