A compassionate conservative is someone who electrocutes juveniles but lets them have a last 'make a wish'.

Welcome to Lake Wobegon, where all the women are strong, all the men are good-looking, and all the children are above average.

Anyone who thinks sitting in church can make you a Christian must also think that sitting in a garage can make you a car.

It was luxuries like air conditioning that brought down the Roman Empire. With air conditioning their windows were shut, they couldn't hear the barbarians coming.

Even in a time of elephantine vanity and greed, one never has to look far to see the campfires of gentle people.

A lovely thing about Christmas is that it's compulsory, like a thunderstorm, and we all go through it together.

Thank you, God, for this good life and forgive us if we do not love it enough.

The highlight of my childhood was making my brother laugh so hard that food came out of his nose.

Be well, do good work, and keep in touch.

Sometimes there is nothing you can do, and in those times, you must do something anyway.

Beauty isn't worth thinking about; what's important is your mind. You don't want a fifty-dollar haircut on a fifty-cent head. ~Garrison Keillor

I made my name”. What does this mean? It means that a man has successfully graduated through the process of inner self-development

EJECTION, n. An approved remedy for the disease of garrulity. It is also much used in cases of extreme poverty.

Happiness and unhappiness differ as a bucket hammered from gold differs from one pressed in tin ... Each carries the same water.

Everybody engaged in complex work needs colleagues. Just the discipline of having to put your thoughts in order with somebody else is a very useful thing.”

I didn't expect such a huge reaction, but I knew I was doing something different to everything else that was happening at the time.

My mother always said, 'When you're eating pretzels, chew before you swallow'. Always listen to your mother.

Love of honor is a very shady sort of possession.

Genius flames and dies, but amiable competence can live forever.

Convention is like the shell to the chick, a protection till he is strong enough to break it through.

It is a challenge to have your launch date slip continuously.