Genius flames and dies, but amiable competence can live forever.

We always ask where the time went. We never ask where it's coming from.

I’ll feel that horrible feeling in my stomach you get when you’ve gone over to the Dark Side. But I’ll be fine. That’s the good thing about the Dark Side. Eventually, your eyes adjust.

The newspaper is a lecture. The Web is a conversation.

I don't believe in the very concept of "first thing in the morning." I'm a "third thing in the afternoon" fellow.

Calculus destroys self-esteem on contact.

If Mother had to be told not to shove the entire brick of Ivory up Junior's hindquarters, constipation is the least of his problems.

There are three stages to a man's life. 1. He laughs at Clark Griswold. 2. He sympathizes deeply with Clark Griswold. 3. He laughs at Clark Griswold.

All you need to know about Arafat was that he insisted on wearing a pistol when he addressed the UN General Assembly. And all you need to know about the UN, I suppose, is that they let him.

I want to believe in intelligent design, and hence I am suspicious of anything that seems to confirm my desire to believe.

When your opponent sets up a straw man, set it on fire and kick the cinders around the stage. Don't worry about losing the Strawperson- American community vote.

I like being infamous. I think it is safe being a cult.

Humans are communications junkies. We just can't get enough.

Never give up and never conform.

It takes time to learn to draw. It takes years, not a few weeks.

Always aim at perfection for only then will you achieve excellence

I eat breakfast 300 yards from 4000 Cubans, who are trained to kill me, so don't think for one second that you can come down here, flash your badge and make me nervous.

Doctors put a wall up between themselves and their patients; nurses broke it down.

Now because he saved the day they're making another solo Hulk movie after the second Avengers comes out.

The main trouble with women is that they will just not put the seat back up again.

I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn't.