Quips Quotes

Tis better than riches To scratch when it itches.

Early to bed early to rise work like hell and advertise.

As old as the itch.

If I look like this I need the trip.

Don't quote me that's what you heard not what I said.

And what's a butterfly? At best He's but a caterpillar drest.

The butler entered the room a solemn procession of one.

Evil spelled backward is live.

Judas needed the money for a sick friend.

In the ant's house the dew is a flood.

In baiting a mousetrap with cheese always leave room for the mouse.

I never said "I want to be alone." I only said "I want to be left alone." There is all the difference.

I don't know much about being a millionaire but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.

I don't deserve this but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either.

I am an atheist. I don't believe in Zeus.

Heat madam! It was so dreadful that I found there was nothing for it but to take off my flesh and sit in my bones.

He looked at me as if I was a side dish he hadn't ordered.

Forgetting of a wrong is a mild revenge.

Judge Crater - please call your office.

A nimble sixpence is better than a slow shilling.

A man surprised is half beaten.

A diplomat these days is nothing but a head waiter who is allowed to sit down occasionally.

Rip van Winkle was lazy.

The net of the sleeper catches fish.

The blind man is laughing at the bald head.

Only mediocrity can be trusted to be always at its best.

I have admired W.C. Fields since the day he advanced upon Baby LeRoy with an ice pick. Any man who hates dogs and babies can't be all bad.

No Groucho is not my real name. I am breaking it in for a friend.

On a wing and a prayer." (After being asked how the angels make love in Milton's Paradise Lost).

Angels fly because they take themselves lightly.

When the mouse laughs at the cat there's a hole nearby.

If there were any justice in the world people would be able to fly over pigeons for a change.

In uplifting get underneath.

Flint must be an extremely wealthy town I see that each of you bought two or three seats.

Mother: It's broccoli dear. Child: I say it's spinach and I say the hell with it.

A hole is nothing at all but you can break your neck in it.

Include me out.

Epigram: a wisecrack that has played Carnegie Hall.

More and more these days I find myself pondering on how to reconcile my net income with my gross habits.

When people don't want to come nothing will stop them.

The ugliest of trades have their moments of pleasure. Now if I was a grave digger or even a hangman there are some people I could work for with a great deal of enjoyment.

Her face was her chaperone.

The Right Honourable gentleman is indebted to his memory for his jests and to his imagination for his facts.

Sherard Blaw the dramatist who had discovered himself and who had given so unstintingly of his discovery to the world.

Nothing is impossible for the person who doesn't have to do it.

Kiss principle: Keep it simple stupid.

Alimony: the cash surrender value of a husband.

Show me a man with both feet on the ground and I'll show you a man who can't put his pants on.

He wouldn't give a duck a drink if he owned Lake Michigan.

It is a sobering thought that when Mozart was my age he had been dead for two years.