Humorous Quotes

curiosity did not kill the cat

Do You want to be a Starfish?

Is that-am I looking at her beaver?"Mid-swig, I choke on the mouthful of beer, sputtering and coughing. After I recover, I ask jokingly, "'Beaver'? Are you Canadian or something?

Ma had been very fashionable, before she married Pa, and a dressmaker had made her clothes.

All right, we need a way to get into the palace. Any ideas?""Ask nicely? Charge in? Fly? Wait, do you mean reasonable ones?

Lord Emsworth belonged to the people-like-to-be-left-alone-to-amuse-themselves-when-they-come-to-a-place school of hosts

All right, we need a way to get inot the palace. Any ideas?""Ask nicely? Charge in? Fly? Wait, do you mean reasonable ones?

I wonder why some people find it very difficult to follow God. Perhaps, they are waiting for Him to join a social network before they could start to follow Him.

Since the teachers weren't picking, I ended up with a boy with bad body odour. 'You should wear deodorant, ' I said to him. 'And you should shut your trap, ' he replied.

If I had not lived so long I wouldn't be so old!

Writing is a wonderful way to spend the day. Particularly when the alternative is housework!

Teeny, it’ll never be a fair fight with Harry. You’re his Cadillac Ranch…but he’s your Chernobyl.” ~ Ruthie

I could not imagine my youngest standing above her soiled grandmother in the wing chair and saying, "mother, let's kill her. "That's the only choice.

Optimism is a gift, but one that must be carefully controlled. Your hopeful optimism will get us all killed!

Surrender to the ridiculous

You're so dehydrated I can hear you blink.

But if we do not dream, then I think perhaps we are misusing our heads. They are not on our shoulders only to be farms for hair.

Wow, " Jake said, his face going blank. "Assface. Is that a technical term? Maybe some kind of psychiatric diagnosis I'm not familiar with?

After you've taken so much trouble to set up recorder, you ask me now?

He licked up to her ear and whispered, “You taste like summer. Did I ever mention, summer is my favorite season?

Know what a symbol is?...Shit that stands for shit.

He then reaches a new low. Without warning, he is suddenly set upon by a bear.

We're really awful animals. I mean, that dumb Barbra Streisand song, 'People who need people are the luckiest people in the world' - she's talking about cannibals. Lot's to eat.

[Maisie]:...going out for luncheon with a gentleman is definitely not the same as going out to dine in the evening. [Billy]: You get more grub at dinner, for a start -

the best of" show was completely gone and we were in big trouble, except we didn't really care.

Does it seem like I'm out of it? No you seemed like you were in total control as you fell down the stairs.

Wait. Are you about to do something really stupid? -GUARD

Don’t let it worry you, " said Ron. "It’s me. I’m extremely famous.

She wasn’t his kind of woman, and she didn’t want to fall in love with a man who would break her heart like a Dorito.

Yo Mama’s so ugly, her Mama had to tie a steak around her neck to get the dogs to play with her.

Chuck Norris is the only human being to display the Heisenberg uncertainty principle -- you can never know both exactly where and how quickly he will roundhouse kick you in the face.

Chuck Norris will never have a heart attack. His heart isn't nearly foolish enough to attack him.

Yo Mama’s so old, her memory is in black and white.

Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

Chuck Norris can unscramble an egg.

Yo Mama’s so ugly, her dentist treats her by mail order.

Yo Mama’s so ugly that your father takes her to work with him so that he doesn't have to kiss her goodbye.

When Chuck Norris calls 911 it's to ask if everything is ok.

Yo Mama’s so ugly, when she joined an ugly contest, they said, “Sorry, no professionals.

If Yo Mama and Yo Daddy got a divorce, they'd still be brother and sister.

Yo Mama's like mustard, she spreads easy.

Yo Mama sucks so much d***, her lips went double platinum.

What’s the difference between Yo Mama and a 747?-About 20 pounds.-Yo mama carries more passengers.-Not everyone's been on a 747.

Yo Mama's like a library, open to the public.

Yo Mama's so fat her butt cheeks have different area codes.

They'll get my Kindle when they pry it from my cold dead hands, if my corpse will release it.

As a little girl, I'd have given up my Barbie Dreamhouse to have a miniature purple dragon - as an adult, I didn't find it nearly as exciting.

No one ever thinks about the guy who was raised by the guy who was raised by wolves.

If I Am murdered en route it will have been well worth while!

Wisdom of the Ages: "Brian Williams Week" Now that NBC is giving him a sixth month "leave" I wonder if he will be "Killing Time-In Saudi Arabia!