Humor Quotes
You'd tell the world what your best friend wore to sleep if you thought it made a good enough story.
Only a person with the true heart of a dictionary-writer would be lying in bed, three days after being stabbed in the gut, worrying about his P's.
That's good. And speaking of spelling, tell me -- do you wrap your head in a towel after you shower?
Even bipolar vampires needed sleep from time to time, and he was well past his recommended safe dosage of stress.
Vampire politics make the very complicated dance of manners that is werewolf protocol look like the Hokey Pokey.
I'm not the one going for a biology degree. I'm just a philosophy major who eats people.
It's safe to assume that by 2085 guns will be sold in vending machines but you won't be able to smoke anywhere in America.
The United States was a big country where everybody wore funny t-shirts and ate too much.
The woman gestured to a seat and put on a patient face. An impatient sort of patient face, like an impatient face dressing up as a patient one for Halloween.
You bruised my ego, you see, and there’s just not enough money in the world to soothe my ego when it gets bruised
Funny thing, employment. If you keep doing it, you keep getting paid.
My first semester I had only nine students. Hoping they might view me as professional and well prepared, I arrived bearing name tags fashioned in the shape of maple leaves.
There's nothing sillier in the world than a teacher telling you don't do it after you already did it.
I don’t think Will Herondale and a sense of responsibility are even on speaking terms
I had lied so much lately that I was honestly surprised my pants weren't literally made of fire.
They'll torture you for months before killing you if you run" Otis shrugged, as if this was an everyday occurrence.
In any case, it's the cowardice of people like you who give dictators the chance to install themselves!
Some things are so silly they have a certain brilliance to them. Other things, set as standards for brilliance and therefore exalted by many who don't know why, become tarnished because of it.
In my experience, what every true artist wants, really wants, is to be paid.
I have learned that particularly clever ideas do not always stand up under close scrutiny.
What you call idiot points, I call awesome dollars. ~Seth
College wasn't like the real world. In the real world people dropped names based on their renown. In college, people dropped names based on their obscurity.
It'd be great to be so famous that if I murder someone, I will never, ever, ever serve any jail time, even if it's totally obvious to everyone that I did it.
I gave you three proofs of witchcraft. A cat that drinks blood! A horse that talks! And a man who propagates POODLES!
There's always a bit of suspense about the particular way in which a given school year will get off to a bad start.
Your mission statement says Galer Street is based on global "connectitude." (You people don't just think outside the box, you think outside the dictionary!)
He'd kill you all right. No sweat. But for the wrong reasons. Amateur's reasons. Of course, you'll be just as dead.
There is an old saying, or should be, that it is a wise economist who recognizes the scope of his own generalizations.
One day I'll work out what it is you are saying, my lad, and then you'll be in trouble.
Your wit is always such a delight, Mr. Zeklos. I can barely contain myself around it.
If you didn't have me to rake you over the coals now and then, there wouldn't be any fire in your life at all.
It was stealing her breath, imbecile. Go get a towel." -Christophe, Strange Angels by Lili St. Crow
The sarcasm made a slight whistling noise as it flew over Loafers' head.
There’s no winning arguments with your parents, so why get all pumped up over them? It is way better to dive down and get out of the way than it is to get clobbered by some parental tidal wave.
She’s drunk dialing contractors ” Chloe said to Tara. “Someone should stop her.
![Humor Quotes: "Half the time your kids end up hating you for at least 5 of their teenage years[.] And don't ever expect anything so mundane as a thank you"](https://www.quoteslyfe.com/images/collection3/quotations213/Half-the-time-your-kids-end-up-213208.jpg)
Half the time your kids end up hating you for at least 5 of their teenage years[.] And don't ever expect anything so mundane as a thank you
I took my .38 out and looked to see that there were bullets in all the proper places. I knew there would be, but it did no harm to be careful. And I'd seen Clint Eastwood do it once in the movies.
