Humor Quotes

You know, my main goal in life is trying not to end up in a straightjacket.

Anyone that looked like that wouldn't need to tie up girls and imprison them in order to get them to marry him

I feel like I might start crying and that I'm going to cry pee.

She had been a teenager once, and she knew that, despite the apparent contradictions, a person's teenage years lasted well into their fifties.

I have a computer, a vibrator, and pizza delivery. Why should I leave the house? " - Tabitha

I find it rude to laugh at a man with a sword.

Even though I dislike being kicked by others, I do enjoy the feeling of kicking others

The problem with at-home IQ tests is that too many people wouldn't understand the results. Calling customer service is a bad sign.

One does not go to Moscow to get fat.

Don’t ever trust anyone who’s writing a book. They make up lies for a living.

He didn't have a single clue what was going on with these two strangers, but every instinct told him Master George equaled good, Mistress Jane equaled bald- he blinked-uh, bad.

I see you brought along your violent little girlfriend. What a nice surprise!" - Saint Dane (The Reality Bug)

All of our lives are governed by a certain degree of faith in bullshit.

The preface? Why would he waste time with the preface? Skip the preface and move on to the meat of the thing!

So I suggest you stick close, pay attention, and avoid breaking the Terrorverse's only commandment: Thou shall not be stupid.

Sucks to be left out of adolescence, sort of like getting locked in the closet on Venus when the sun appears for the first time in a hundred years.

You can give me detention. Oh, wait, that's right...you aren't the boss of me. So I guess you can just bite me. -Dean

Don't pick up hitchhikers!"- D. Adams

The mountebank told them that God was surely trying to kill them, possibly because He was through with them, and that they should have the good manners to die. This, as you can see, they did.

Since childhood I’d been suspected of imagination

Two languages in one brain? No one can live at that speed!

Latin is already a dead language, man... don't make it any deader.

I have no culture, no humane harmony in my brains. I can't live without a culture anymore.

[Harrier] locked eyes with Zanattar. He couldn't remember another time in his life when he'd been this angry and hadn't hit something.

I have so much hate that it has turned into love.

If I knew me as somebody else, I would hate me just as much. Why have a double standard?

From now on when people asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up, I planned to say, Amnesiac.

Honesty is always good, except when it's better to lie.

What a refreshing mind you have, young man. There really is nothing quite like total ignorance, is there?

And have your mother put my head on a stake? Do you have any notion what that would do to my handsome good looks?

For every hour a mother gets to herself, a father will demand five times that amount for drinking with friends and acting like an immature dipshit.

He said that he was sure you would be amendable to this course of action." April paused, eyes widening, before she said indignantly, "I believe he may have lied to me!

For desert, maybe we can split a couple of crumbs.

Stephanie, I'm begging you. Eat some doughnuts. I can't keep going like this." - Morelli

Just because I'm no jaw clacker doesn't mean there should be a ruction put up whenever I have sommat to say.

The Bible talks about building houses on sand and rock, but says nothing about a brick house built on a blanket.

Parents. Honestly. Sometimes they really do think the world revolves around them.

One of the Christian's biggest fears is appearing 'too Christian'. God forbid, because that's often characterized as god-awful! We want to be one, but without being 'one of them'.

The severest test of character is not so much the ability to keep a secret as it is, when the secret is finally out, to refrain from disclosing that you knew it all along.

In my opinion, too much attention to weather makes for instability of character.

I MAY HAVE ALLOWED MYSELF SOME FLICKER OF EMOTION IN THE RECENT PAST, said Death, BUT I CAN GIVE IT UP ANY TIME I LIKE.

A century ago, people laughed at the notion that we were descended from monkeys. Today, the individuals most offended by that claim are the monkeys.

Plus as she put it, Prince Eric was far too hairy and peach colored for her taste. I always thought he was pretty hott, but then again, I am a mammal.

Cats can do whatever they want, whenever they want, without regard to what anyone says or does. Rather like Princesses.

I don't use a crap camera, I don't eat junk, and I'm not going to a dance where the boys are bores

I don't have your way with words "Sin said. "So I'm just going to go with a quick response. Ha

Of course it was a terrible thing, and the world would be a much better place without someone in it who could do that, but did that mean we had to miss lunch?

Let me get this straight. you want me to go stomping through a graveyard brandishing a bottle of booze to rouse an unrestful spirit so that I can interrogate him?" - Cat to Bones

I stared. "Canadian Satanists? You're sending me to a group of Canadian Satanists?

You rented the apartment with a dead guy in the corner?” I shrugged. “I wanted the apartment, and I figured I could cover him up with a bookcase or something.