Humor Quotes

Because there's no way on earth she's going to make it through college unless she grows some serious ovaries and turns this train wreck around

She's so small, yet she contains so much evil.

I can't abide people who go soft over animals and then cheat every human they come across!

I love you above all things, even pie.

Years from now, when I'm successful and happy, ...and he's in prison... I hope I'm not too mature to gloat.

An eternity of wishing to speak directly to my Creator - I thought in despair - and this is how He finally contacts me? Through AOL Instant Messenger?

I swear, talking to you is like talking to a really good-looking and mildly stupid brick wall.

You did not just say that. I have a feeling we're on the verge of hugging and coming up with cute nicknames for each other.

The magician stood erect, menacing the attackers with demons, metamorphoses, paralyzing ailments, and secret judo holds. Molly picked up a rock.

Don’t think about it. Don’t think about what could have been. It’s too unbearable.

The Angel Gabriel disappeared once for sixty years and they found him on earth hiding in the body of a man named Miles Davis.

Mulling this over, Vlad wiped her lip gloss from his lips with the back of his hand.Vampires, after all, didn't sparkle.

I take this continent with me into the grave.

If I weren't already dead, I'd have to kill myself just so I could roll over in my grave.

His smile was so wide he’d have had to break it into sections to fit it through a doorway

Delia was an overbearing cake with condescending frosting, and frankly, I was on a diet.

I stared at him (Dionysus). "You're...you're married? But I thought you got in trouble for chasing a wood nymph-

Unrequited love is so boring. Weeping under a blue-black sky is for suckers or maniacs.

I'm the most important person in the lives of almost everyone I know and a good number of the people I've never even met.

You would be amazed how many magicians have died after being bitten by mad rabbits. It's far more common than you might think. -Angela the Herbalist

I'm not trouble at all. I'm just a guy trying to get a girl to give him the time of day. I'm like every song on the radio.

Hi, this is Ganymede, cup-bearer to Zeus, and when I'm out buying wine for the Lord of the Skies, I always buckle up!

After moral poisoning, one requires physical remedies and a bottle of champagne.

The more obscure our tastes, the greater the proof of our genius.

Never buy your kid a Puzzle that you can't solve!

With a philosophy education, one can infuriate his peers, intimidate his date, think of obscure, unreliable ways to make money, and never regret a thing.

I'd rather be fried alive and eaten by Mexicans.

He was a writer and words were his weapons.

I couldn't claim that I was smarter than sixty-five other guys--but the average of sixty-five other guys, certainly!

Forget men, I want to marry my MacBook. It’s dependable, reliable and you can even go shopping with it.

Why would you throw a ball in someone's face?...Huh. That's a pretty good reason. Well, I can't do much about your teacher being pissed, but me and you are good.

People often think I'm a faker, but I'm usually honest, in a certain way--in such a way that often nobody believes me!

Whatever you do, in the privacy of your own rain shower, is your own business

I'm dying!" Malfoy yelled, as the class panicked. "I'm dying, look at me! It's killed me!

Leo. Jason said, you're wierd. Yeah, you tell me that a lot. Leo grinned. But if you don't remember me, that means I can reuse all my old jokes. Come on!

I've won Satan's lottery.

Even celebrities, most people have a sense of humor. Most of the people we meet who we've done on the show, like it.

I have a dark sense of humor.

Guys usually like my sense of humor, and I am pretty down to earth. And I'm a driven person.

Force is all conquering, but it's victories are short lived.

Were it not for my little jokes, I could not bear the burdens of this office.

Figure out what to do, then take a nap.

If you are tuning in just for the show, you're going to be sorely disappointed.

When Asian people grow up fast they go to college at 13. White people grow up fast it's about fudge packing and triple D's at 13.

Ladies, your happiness is very important to us. You have to understand that. Because when you're happy, you let us touch you.

Men tend to lie when it comes to sexual conquests. You should hear some of the ego-driven lies my friends have told me: 'Swear to God, man - the hooker gave the money back.'

I talk a lot about women in my act, 'cause let's face it -- if I was hungry, I would talk about food.

One day in the shower, you figure it out. It's a special day in a man's life. I was like, 'Oh, I found me a hobby.'

I've got a dope sense of humor, brah.

The role of humour is to make people fall down and writhe on the Axminster, and that is the top and bottom of it.