Humor Quotes

I'm convinced that petting a puppy is good luck.

Maria, groaning for scraps, would drape his head on my feet as I ate, trying to camouflage himself as my napkin or the rug.

You're here. I'm here. I love you. I'm gonna pee all over the floor about it.

The big one was at least cute, and as annoying as she was, you couldn't get mad at a golden retriever.

Is your dog in a coma?" Quinn asked when the dog didn't move a muscle."No. Lump leads an active and demanding internal life that requires long periods of rest.

Paranormal. It rolls off the tongue with such poetry but it means something like, beyond normal. There is nothing paranormal about magic. Magic is the norm. —Penny SweeneyMagic All Around

I always splash on the cologne before a blind date because dogs can smell fear

over protective? a butler in a grade- B movie? someones jewish mother? you got it

The first time I saw Cricket, I loved her. Little did I know that skinny, goofy girl would one day grow up to be a great dragon slayer. I would have pegged her for a shoemaker.

Dragons didn’t fool around when it came to protecting things that they acquired—be it gold, gems, or a monster’s body parts.

I'm sorry, but dragons don't come in pink.

Now then, " he mused, "how does one fly a dragon?

What goes up must come down, unless a dragon eats it.

Among the dragons, the prohibition against asking direct questions did not exist, and-as Harrier discovered immediately-dragons were even more outrageous gossips than sailors.

What happened out there?”“I almost got quarking toasted by a dragon.”“A dragon, ” he repeats, scandalized. “Are you mad? Or have you been skulking around the bars of Barbary XIII?

She is an agent of the Devil, possibly escorted out of Hell for behavior which would make a demon go "Ooooo, that's nasty!

It's like smoking compost through a raccoon.

I mean, what does a devil want but to find meaning in life after a long journey of turmoil and troubles?

I am always in a state of Eunoia.And I'm not in it just for the vowels.

I can't answer you in a nutshell. We wouldn't fit unless we saw the same shrink.

Self-loathing is man’s effort to sweep the moon of footprints.

Have some more tea, dear, " Hester said, reaching for the pot and refilling my cup. "I always find that helps.

I wouldn't be comfortable, but at least I'd have marginal protection against pointy steel objects that went stab in the night.

It’s going to be okay, Eric, " Urte said, helping me sit up. I shook my head. "Lying is my forte, Urte, not yours.” (Eric.)

There are few things less comforting than a tiger who's been up too late.

It's one thing if your hobby is to put ships inside a bottle, but a deer in the headlights!... That's a real talent

It is my firm belief that it is a mistake to hold firm beliefs

Preparing to go to school was like getting ready for extended deep sea diving.

There is no off position on the genius button.

You cannot capture warmth in a toast, but you can capture toast in a warmth.

Life is a very brief candle especially when you burn it at both ends

Children inherit their parents' madness.

As the doctor treated the wound, Mazer said, " I don't care how much you eat, Ender, self-cannibalism won't get you out of this school.

He was cut from the scene like a case of the runs from a can-can routine.

If you hear a different drummer, don’t march—dance!

It's a pelvis thrust, not a pelvic wiggle.

Woah, ' I said, blocking the doorway. 'You can't come in here. This is the girls' r

All dwarfs have beards and wear up to twelve layers of clothing. Gender is more or less optional.

True Devdas are Authors

A hint: perhaps in this case, you should refrain from throwing the book at the audience when you finish.

These days. Most of us have the attention span of a meth-addicted squirrel.

You had to admire a guy who called his own new book a classic before it was published and anyone else had a chance to read it.

Divorce is success. Failure is staying married to a person you no longer love.

It turns out there is something worse than attending a wedding where you don't know anyone: attending a wedding where you know six people, and they are all your ex-husband's best friends.

Whenever you want to marry someone, go have lunch with his ex-wife

Life - with or without softener- is hard

There are two things you should never do alone: one is get divorced, the other is drink.

When you're corked...you're corked!

We were fighting about nothing important while dreaming of the same things.

I had a dream about you last night... in it, I tried to sell a squirrel a deposit box to store his nuts in. He stole my cashews in the complimentary snack basket.