Humor Quotes
You've got an answer for everything... It's one of the side effects of being right all the time.
She wanted to run her hands over him as he whispered the impassioned corollaries of non-Euclidean geometry.
Someone threw a cabbage at William Howard Taft. That didn't bother Taft. He quipped, "I see that one of my adversaries has lost his head.
The person who thinks dogs can't talk doesn't want to learn a second language.
He had spoken with such absolute confidence that I knew he had to be blowing this out of his rectal orifice.
Yesterday is a pile of rubble. Today is a pile of opportunity. Life takes a new dump each morning
It sounded somewhat doom-laden, so I felt obliged to look it up more thoroughly, in case I should eat some chocolate rather quickly.
Thus, hanging around in our towels (and those weird disposable underpants) was no big deal.
He bowed over her hand and kissed the knuckles. He'd never despised a glove more in his life.
Monthly, out of common courtesy, he went to inquire after the invalid Charles, who refused either to die or get better.
I really want to punch you right now. Maybe even break your nose.” She rolled her eyes upward, seeking calm. “But I won’t because I like this dress.
I could say how well he dances, but that isn't true, for he dances like that big friendly bear I saw last Christmas.
He has been mad for you these many months, ever since you prodded him in the nether regions with a hedgehog.
Great, Alexia thought, I have gone from soul sucker to electrical ground. The epithets just get sweeter and sweeter.
Lord Emsworth belonged to the people-like-to-be-left-alone-to-amuse-themselves-when-they-come-to-a-place school of hosts
If an angry bull is running toward you, and your pants become wet despite holding the red cloth, make sure the other side of the cloth is white.
Seriously, what would you prefer? To stand out from everyone else, or disappear in the crowd? Because I call the latter 'sheep.
I tried to blow a yellow jacket out and now it's wearing a bow tie in its mouth.
You know, Becky, you haven't been the same since that crowbar fell on your head.
If I want to dress up like Princess Leia and lightsaber fight the clone army in my living room, well the Han Solo in my life is just going to have to accept it.
If you want to keep people happy, just keep the food and entertainment rolling.
Did we really come all that way?" She asked. "Time flies when you're scared out of your mind." He answered.
Sometimes we know people who aretoo wonderful for words. I am not one of them.Or you, for that matter, as you well know.
I'm rarely rude except accidentally, and that doesn't really count...
-Have a Glass of wine & over time it will be fine.
Family we cannot always choose, but it sure is fun to try and make them laugh during dinners. Especially when they are trying to eat their soup.
If a wizard should take up residence in your garden, and requests food, you are obliged to feed him.
Worry wasn’t an emotion to which he was particularly accustomed—and it worried him.
A year ago I came here without a nickle in my pocket, now, I've got a nickle in my pocket.
If that's the case, waiter, please bring me another piece of cake, " Gramps said as lunch was brought to the table, "I'm all for fighting tyranny and oppression.
Diesel sucked air. "You keep fondling me like that, and I might have to marry you.""I'm not fondling you. I'm looking for the keys!""Could you look a little more gently? You're scaring my boys.
College = A place where you spend a ton of money for a piece of paper that says you're qualified.
I'm past competing in pissing contests. My jet stream is now more of a trickle. The only contest I'd win is the number of trips to the bathroom it takes to purge a 32oz soda.
And I thought kitty liter was the unlawful practice of discarding small felines along the roadside.