Humor Quotes
All I did was offer to kill your dog, and the next thing I know I’m being judged.
I’ve always found wildlife very calming-- except when animals are eating each other, of course.
For everyone knows that a girl cannot live on chicken cordon blue alone.
Are you here for a reason, Cheshire?Why, yes, I would enjoy a cup of tea. I take mine with lots of cream, and no tea. Thank you.
You cats mind if I make it a trio?' he asked me, and it was not a huge surprise that a dude of his appearance was speaking in Jazz Voice.
Still, it’s really frustrating me that there doesn’t seem to be anything in my closet that’s appropriate to wear to an exorcism.
This is why I keep telling Ash to get you a cat or a bird. Guns aren't proper pets.
Dead yet?" Gus answered.I smirked. "Not yet, but the night's still young.""Here's hoping.
If he didn’t want to talk about it, I wouldn’t mention anything. I wanted him to open it up for me, not me intruding and asking questions to him.
And just as I thought that my happy ending was beginning, it had to end so soon even though it hadn't started yet.
Say yes, Jordan, ” he said, shifting closer.“No, ” I said.Owen smiled. “Close enough.” And then he kissed me.
When I was laying there in his arms nothing else mattered. My parents, my lack of funds, everything just seemed to melt away as I was lost in his lips"- Bentley Evans
When life hands you lemons sometimes you just have to say screw the lemons, and bail.
If you jotted down all of my ill-thought out comments, you could write a book entitled, Guide to Getting Punched in the Throat for Boneheads-Mad Hatter in "Death of the Mad Hatter" (Coming Soon!)
What are you going to fill it with?" she asks. "Holy water or something?" "Probably Dasani, " Thomas replies.
Because being assaulted with maxi pads is a great way to win friends and influence people.
Yes, his ear. I was attracted to his ear. While I was in church. I'm pretty sure that solidifies my position as the weirdest person on the planet.
I don’t have enough gross words in my gross vocabulary to describe how gross that gross thought is. Gross.
Just be careful, hon, ” Rosanna said.“Oh, are the plates hot?” I flinched back just before my hands made contact.Rosanna laughed. “No, but hot boys can burn you just as easily.
The ability for anyone in our generation to self-amuse has sadly been bred out of our species.
Leo, ” Jason said, “you’re weird.”“Yeah, you tell me that a lot.” Leo grinned. “But if you don’t remember me, that means I can reuse all my old jokes...!
If they're not going to respect you, then they best damn well fear you.
Certainly there are things in life that money can’t buy, but it’s very funny – Did you ever try buying them without money.
I'd like to thank my parents for making this night possible. And my children for making it necessary.
Skulduggery stood among the ruins of what had once been a sofa. Valkyrie raised an ey
I mean you ACRES of harm, ' Dalrymple growled. 'Untold QUANTITIES of harm. I will visit a whole CONTINENT of harm upon you before we are through.
Ish #19 "If your diet soda has zero calories, zero sugar and zero fat, what the hell are you drinking?
Wow, ” says Peter, “when your guidance counselor tells you to die, you really have problems.
There's something to be said about drinking a carafe of wine by yourself ... I just can't remember at the moment what it is! (said after drinking a carafe of wine by himself)
(About a cookbook...)- What about this one? Maids of Honor?- Weeelll, they starts OUT as Maids of Honor...but they ends up Tarts.
Or should I say that he is like the hand that is able to scratch your itchy parts with the perfect amount of strength!
Miss Green can call a turd a rose if she wants, but that don't mean people's going to be lining up to smell it.
Halt! We are attempting an arrest!”“Yeah, we’re aware, ” Quinn muttered under her breath.
I still believe this Life is a good joke. And if you treat it that way, you will never stop laughing.