Humor Quotes
As a comedian, the more you commit the sin of stupidity, three essential things happen to your life:~people applaud you incessantly.~love you more than their parents.~give you a daily bread.
Thought for the day: Twitter...140 character limit...must be a great tool for fortune cookie writers...
The night before a deadline, I usually am in desperate need of a back rub. And new wrists. And candy. And little mice to secretly finish the job while I am sleeping.
Nixon’s offences had been so long in the past, so much part of a different era that he now seemed like some lovable but bigoted uncle you tolerated at Christmas and Thanksgiving.
Basset Hounds never get scared. We’re fearless, resolute and know how to season a good lamb chop.
THIS IS A COMPLIMENT?You're incrediburgableshe saidwhich is to sayYou're a little like incrediblebut a lot more like ahamburger.
What was to fear from a foe that could be defeated by a few potholes and the heat of the sun?
You can't do much for the poor, as they are not in with the right people.
He’s an even-tempered stallion. What he lacks in stamina he makes up for in speed, kind of like most of the men I’ve slept with.
...every year for decades there had been great excitement over the Largest Vegetable competition ("That would be my husband", was the standard comment).
I'm going to go throw up now, because ive turned into my dad. If vomiting doesn't work, I'll see if I can get an exorcism.
Panty Melter: an exceedingly rare species of man blessed with so many desirable attributes he effortlessly gains access into a girl's panties.
So. Monday. We meet again.We will never be friends—but maybe we can move past our mutual enmity toward a more-positive partnership.
I guess the breakfast burritos are going to have some extra protein in the morning.
What do you call a rifle with three barrels?A trifle.
Damn it, I should be the only one allowed to drool over him. I found him first! Or something not as stupid.
Q and Beanpole and I giggled at the way our math teacher, Mr. Sung-Li, wore four pencils in his shirt pocket in case he was suddenly attacked by a multiplication problem or something.
That's how hospitals get you. You go in to visit and before you know it they got a camera stuck up your butt and they're looking' to find poloponies.
I like stories about supervillains. They teach children that you can accomplish great things even when the whole world is against you.
I had an aunt named 'abnormal Shauna' once. But she passed away in an unfortunate cliff-top interpretative dance and fireworks accident.
Democracy was supposed to champion freedom of speech, and yet the simple rules of table decorum could clamp down on the rights their forefathers had fought and died for.
A celebrity farts, and everyone endures, but the unpopular will be thrased to death.
Every author really wants to have letters printed in the paper. Unable to make the grade, he drops down a rung of the ladder and writes novels.
I have high hopes for the book and have already made a down payment on a Ferrari. Well, it’s actually a small metal model of a Ferrari, kind of like a Dinky Toy, but a little bit bigger.
That friend of hers has got to go, though. You're lucky you got stuck with that Dexter guy instead of
I sometimes think if I did not write I would be a madwoman. Now I am a sane woman with a lot of mad pages.
For white people, nothing makes them appreciate the gift of life more than voluntarily trying to end it.
May they run free forever and grow back their limbs!
This is the Rock, sweetheart, ” the owner added. “There’s no tragedy you can’t profit from.
The only thing altruism will get you here is a boot stomping on your head.
Wilbur looked at the list glumly. "Are you sure you need all this stuff?""Yep.""The ax?""The ax is critical.""The c
Sheesh two-legs. You keep screechin' like that, you mind's well tell all 'em Banshee "I'm here, eat me - I bring salt