Humor Quotes

If I’m going down, I’m going down with lipstick on.

Remember! Reality's an illusion, the universe is a hologram, buy gold! Byeeee!

That's it, Uncle Huey!" Imogene Duckworthy whipped off her apron and flung it onto the slick, stainless steel counter. "I quit!" If only her voice didn’t sound so young.

Immy knocked on his open door. "Mr. Mallett?"The look on his narrow face was pained. "What's with the Mr. Mallett? When you don't call me Mike, it's usually trouble.

Growing up in a family of gamblers, daredevils and practical jokers, I've learned a lot about timing and its first cousin, dumb luck, concepts I was introduced to while still in the womb.

I hate when I look in my closet and find clothes instead of Narnia.

I feel like I've been ironing all day in high heels and no brassiere. ~Tizzy Donovan, Laid Out and Candle Lit

I'd rather be stung to death by a bunch of piss ants. ~Synola Harper, You're Busting My Nuptials

I swear, when that woman dies, she'll be deader than everybody else.~Pattiecake from Laid Out and Candle Lit

It would be, like all of Pammy's parties, hot and crowded and filled with impossibly glamorous people with hip bones so sharp they could qualify as concealed weapons.

Anticipation tingled in my stomach: the kind of tingle that at first you don’t know if it’s a good tingle or a bad tingle – just a tingle.

It’s still all “ifs” “buts” and “maybes”.’ ‘Maybe, ’ I said. ‘But if what I’m saying is correct …

Meaning, yes -- I don't really exist except on the page or in the back of your brain. But if you think it's weird a fictional character's telling this story, you ain't seen what happened, yet.

Total confusion, disconnected nothing, absolute bewilderment. It's an enigma wrapped in a mystery, stuffed in a burrito, and smothered in taco sauce.

Until you stalk and overrun, you cannot devour anyone.-Hobbes

If you forget your lines, you had better mumble with conviction.

If you enjoy sticking a straw in a dog's ear, don't sit next to the pooch with a milkshake.

You want some advice?""Yes""Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

You gotta look out for number one, but don't step in number two!

Some general advice about writing:WRITE MORE, DO OTHER STUFF LESS.

Your advice seems a little ironical.""Oh, you may either follow it or reverse it—that is its chief beauty. It is equally good taken either way.

You can just about always stand more 'n you think you can.

There's a lot more to ridin' a horse than just sittin' in the saddle and lettin' yer feet hang down.

If someone begins to sing, do not maintain eye contact. The general advice given to fellow travellers is thus: leg it.

I though I screwed everything up, " I say.He smiles. "You're only one person. In the whole universe. You can't screw everything up.

Speak kindly to with adult women as you would to your mother.

Word of advice for any young man that might want to take out Malia or Sasha Obama - Their father can order an assassination, don't piss him off.

Word of advice - never ask a terrorist the question 'What would you do for a Klondike bar?'.

It is good to brush your teeth when you are angry, because you brush harder and do a better job.

Don’t be stupider than you need to be, I remind myself. Remember Calease? The last glowing girl you talked to tried to kill you.

When you’re given the gift of truth, you spend a lot of time trying to tone it down because it is already offensive enough.

In matters of religion and matrimony I never give advice, because I will not have anybody's torments in this world or the next laid to my charge.

You can't lead when you have not been loaded with the skills of immagination.

I will call bullshit on that so many times that the word bullshit will lose all meaning. -Milo

Those who believe everything they read probably should refrain from reading.

When facing unbeatable odds, just think of yourself as unbeatably odd. (The Hero's Guide to Being a Hero)

Never put off until tomorrow that which may be avoided entirely.

BE CAREFUL, OR BE ROADKILL!

I liked my face. Ethan liked my face. A lot of people liked my face. Besides, makeup was really just glorified face paint.

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I might be a vampire so I don't give a shit. I'll heal

You know you're having a bad week when you call 911, the paramedics come to your house, and one of them notices you've rearranged your furniture.

All that crap about time being a great healer is bullshit. Time heals nothing. Well, acne maybe.

Unhealthy behavior is actually common among doctors, who tend to know a lot about medicine but very little about health.

Peter remained on friendly terms with Christ notwithstanding Christ's having healed his mother-in-law.

After we deal and heal...NOT A A SHRED OF EVIDENCE EXISTS THAT LIFE IS SERIOUS.....Jan Marshall

We'd better get. But y'all have a nice night, ' I say. Apparently, fear turns me Texan. A startling personality insight that I'll jot down later if I'm not dead in a ditch.

I don't lie to you, " Alan said. "I lie WITH you."Sin stopped looking up at him from under her eyelashes and burst out laughing.Alan went red. "So I've just realized how that come out. Uh.

Alan: Conning people out of their savings. Forgery. Blackmail. Selling real estate on Mars. We could have it all. You with me, Bambi?"Sin: "Clive, I was with you from 'I'm a social worker.

"Well-- I don’t know-- the cops might not respond too well to you looking through their windows with a telescope."

I don’t believe it! You’re still interested in the girl, despite the fact that she might be some kind of alien. Does this sickness of yours have any bounds?