Funny Quotes

I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he?"

The other day someone left a piece of plasticine in my dressing room. I didn't know what to make of it.

So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.'

I met this gangster who pulls up people's pants. Name's Wedgie Kray.

I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet 'Best Before End...'

I was at sea the other day and loads of meat floated past. It was a bit choppy.

I've got a sponge front door. Hey, don't knock it.

I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.

You know, I'm not very good at magic - I can only do half of a trick. Yes - I'm a member of the Magic Semi-circle.

It was reported that Guy Ritchie has cast his wife Madonna in a small walk-on role in his new movie, Revolver. Madonna will play the part of the woman who ruins the film.

In Washington, officials from the National Rifle Association met with a group of high school students. There were no survivors.

Amy Poehler and I have been friends for so long, we're like Oprah and Gale. Only we're not denying anything.

At the upcoming Grammy Awards, Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony will perform together as the first time, as man and wife. Hopefully music.

Wafah Dufour bin Laden, niece of Osama bin Laden has signed a contract to star in a reality show... called Skating with the Nieces of Terrorists.

A recent study announced that 52 per cent of all teens who sign virginity pledges recant them within twelve months. If I'm on my game.

Ladies gotta say no to their husbands at the movies. They gotta say: "No, we are watching back-to-back cancer movies. And then this movie about a cat."

You know who does have a funny bone in her body? Your mom every night for a dollar.

I never dreamed I would receive the Mark Twain Prize for American Humor, mostly because my style is so typically Austrian.

You know, if I started worrying about what the critics think, I'd never make another comedy. You couldn't pick a less funny group than critics - you couldn't find a more bitter group of people!

My movies before tend to be just funny. But it wasn't a conscious thing I was looking for at all.

I think that 'Hangover II' is as funny as 'The Hangover I,' honest to God, but I think that it's a little bit darker, and the stakes are a little bit higher.

All my friends are funny, witty, fun-loving people. As are my parents, and the people I work with. I get at least a couple of good laughs in every day.

I love working with smart-funny people.

If you play it straight it's funny - the best comedy is always played straight down the middle. The adjustment is understanding from the screenplay that a moment is hilarious.

I actually don't subscribe to the notion that comedy is easier than drama. When you're trying to be funny and you're not funny, that's really terrible. It's a horrible feeling.

Everything is so weird in politics that it's very hard to be funny about it, I think.

Being a musician is a given for me-I didn't have much choice in the matter.

I no longer believe that just about everything is funny, if viewed from the proper angle.

Well, there's one thing to be said for money. It can make you rich.

Two cannibals eating a clown. One asks the other, 'Does this taste funny to you?'

So a lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train-load of terrapins, I thought "That's a turtle disaster".

Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

So I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said "Are you two an item?"

So I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said "Eurostar?". I said "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin".

So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds". I said "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".

If I don't get at least 1 email in any given hour, I begin to think my friends are conspiring against me.

I was glad to see Italy win. All the guys on the team were Italians.

As I observe my daily life and that of others, I have come to the conclusion that genuine joy is a potent mixture of harsh reality, and the realization that life can be funny.

It's a funny time, but I'm sure in any time you live in, you'd consider it funny because life is change and it'll just keep doing that. It's a matter of embracing it or not.

I gave up trying to please others and started playing for myself, and because I love music, things naturally happened then. Funny how that works.

Somehow [Kenya Bariss] has figured out how to explore these very weighty, sticky, sharp topics, and still be funny and not make fun of the topic.

I can't watch American Idol... it's like karaoke without the booze.

I think the word 'pregnant' is funny.

Saturday Night Live' was like a university for funny.

My father was funnier than me. My father was Richard Pryor-funny. I'm just a better businessman.

I'm not afraid to move away from funny. I'm not afraid of that.

I love Ice Cube and Charlie Day. They're brilliant men, great actors and very funny people.

Let's focus on the funny. ... That's what I'm focused on... This is the gift God gave me. That's what I want to touch in people.

If I don't offend somebody, then I'm probably not funny.

I'm not focused on the outrageousness. I'm just focused on being funny, and raising my kids. I don't even read the newspaper, I don't read that crap.