Funny Quotes

Ever eat so much you feel sick? Isn't that the best?

You ever read a book that changed your life? Me neither.

My new years resolution? I will be less laz.

I just want to be known as funny.

"I got up early because I wanted to." - Nobody

What kind of life are you leading where you consider ketchup fancy? "Well, we ain't rich folk, but on special occasions, I'll break out the ketchup. Grandma's birthday, make her feel special"

I kinda expected to turn the bottle and see a recipe. "So that's how you make ice cubes. Apparently you just freeze this stuff. Oh, but you need a tray. That's how they trick you into it."

I see some people with glasses here, I trust people with glasses, don't you? But if you're wearing your glasses like this ... "Get away from 'em!"

If you have a smash hit record or something that's quirky or funny or cool, people are going to go after it.

Most of the gaffes I've made have not been funny - they've been stupid.

Two men spit in their hands, help each other out, then laugh about it later. Just to be silly.

I couldn't get laid with a sitcom and a rifle.

I had AIDS, but I beat it with Advil.

I don't care if I'm funny. I just want people to believe I'm that guy.

The world is meaningless and therefore it's funny.

For me, mood is something you have to ignore. I try to put myself in that position when I'm shooting and try to react the way I would. I try not to play funny if it doesn't call for that.

Whelan was in the position he was, exactly

I worry about my nan. If she's alone and falls, does she make a noise? I'm joking, she's dead.

It had to be hammered home quite a bit because I didn't see any humour in my life at all.

Officials at the London Olympics will be conducting 5,000 tests for steroids. Or as Lance Armstrong calls that, 'a Monday.'

Steven Spielberg is going to release a biopic about Abraham Lincoln next year. Right, that's a good way to honor Lincoln – by sending people to the theater.

It was a great Olympics - Team USA finished the games with 17 more medals than China. China said it was tough to swallow - especially when they had to make all of our "We're #1" T-shirts.

I'm on so late I'm definitely the last seconds of anyone's attention. So I just want to give them something dumb to laugh at, so they go, 'That's funny,' then fall asleep.

Leno, Conan. They are both really funny. They really know how to land one.

The only thing Norwich didn't get was the goal that they finally got

Manchester United are looking to Frank Stapleton to pull some magic out of the fire.

My ex-boyfriend can round last night, which was weird because I didn't know he was in a coma.

I thought I was funny as a kid.

Burroughs's voice is hard, derisive, inventive, free, funny, serious, poetic, indelibly American.

[Kaz] is a great scholar, very funny - a true man of no rank!

The people voting for the Oscars are so old. I haven't seen one Academy award voter with a tampon in her purse.

I think anyone who's perfectly happy isn't particularly funny. And when you're very, very happy, you're not very funny. You're just happy. I'd rather be damaged and funny.

I think anyone who's perfectly happy isn't particularly funny.

If you don't think you're funny, no one else will.

There is nothing funny about aging: It is rotten and depressing. Anyone who tells you otherwise just hasn't been paying attention.

I'm not a wanderer, which is funny because I'm on tour half the time. I'm a home, hearth and family kind of person.

Is an egg a vegetable?

I don't know if there's anything intrinsically funny about Tae Kwon Do.

It's a funny semantic turn - when someone paints a landscape, no one says they "borrowed" it, only that they painted it.

Dali had a good sense of humor - obviously you could tell just looking at him; he was funny.

What's funny is that male strippers don't wear thongs anymore. They wear flat backs.

It's funny how you can struggle with one piece and write a better one in a minute. When things come easy, it means it's good.

It's funny, 'cause you think surfing is your whole life, but then when you make a family it seems like it's not at all.

It's fun to be able to have a fun palate, and the way I say that, you think about it and it sounds funny, but it's true.

To live as one likes is plebian the noble man aspires to order and law.

To be creative and spontaneous, you have to live with imperfection.

People are funny. When they are young, they will spend their health to get wealth. Later, they will gladly pay all they have trying to get their health back.

I swear and it comes off a little angry, no matter how funny I'm trying to do it. If I use certain words with a certain intensity, it's like 'Whoa whoa whoa, buddy buddy!'

The kind of über-objective is to make people laugh. You always have to have that in the back of your mind, "Eh, I've got to figure out a way to make this funny."

I'm just surrounded by awesome funny folks and really creative people. I'm learning, every day. There's not a day that I step on set that I don't have fun. It's a pretty good deal.