Funny Quotes

years ago we would have been burned for this. Now what I am suggesting is that we've advanced.

I used to own a dingy and can still sail one if pushed, but I like the pleasure boats.

People love fact-based songs, which is a very funny idea.

I asked of Echo 't other day (Whose words are few and often funny), What to a novice she could say Of courtship, love, and matrimony. Quoth Echo, plainly, "Matter-o'-money.

High school is neither a democracy nor a dictatorship - nor, contrary to popular belief, an anarchic state. High school is a divine-right monarchy. And when the queen goes on vacation, things change.

The Side Effects of Dying in Your Pants isn't really funny… Alright, it's a little funny.

I think for the foreseeable future, the truth is going to be awful and funny all at the same time.

I suspect that when the truth ceases to be heartbreakingly funny, we will be in a better place and a happier society over all.

I'm usually not the straight guy. I'm sometimes more the funny guy, depending on the situation.

Drawing a funny animal, you don't need a lot of detail to make it work. But to draw a sexy girl, there's certain things you can't leave out.

I thought it would be funny to take a photo in the White House bathroom, I take pictures everywhere I go, but I don't think I can top that one.

When I hear a great musician, I can feel his life inside the music.

You know you're getting old when you can pinch an inch on your forehead.

My sister's asthmatic. In the middle of an asthma attack she got an obscene phone call. The guy said, "Did I call you or did you call me?"

If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you see okay?

I do miss sometimes being onstage, because when I do film and television, it's usually so brief and funny.

If something is very, very funny but possibly controversial, if it's truly funny, then it's worth doing. Things aren't worth doing for the sake of being controversial.

British people would die for their right to drink themselves to death.

Teenagers falling off skateboards - funny. Nut shots - funny. Breaking wind - funny. The world cannot change those. Those three things are columns upon which humor is built.

Every prosperous person who does not work has a creative scheme that does.

Bigots are actually funny to me in the way that people who still wear parachute pants give me a chuckle.

Here's a quick rule of thumb: Don't annoy science fiction writers. These are people who destroy entire planets before lunch. Think of what they'll do to you.

I think I gravitate towards people who express themselves in a simple and funny way.

One of the nice things about having a lover, it makes you think about everything anew. The rest of your life becomes a kind of movie, flat and even rather funny.

As it's your 40th birthday This, we'd like to say May you be bathed in goodness, happiness and sunshineness On this, your special day.

Throw all caution to the wind, today, on your 40th No need to have wisdom and sage But tomorrow, as you start your 5th decade Do try to act more your age

So OK, it's your special big Four-O birthday But don't expect me to be obsequious and fawning You, being you, can't possibly be a good example So do try, at least, to serve as a warning

Stupid is never that entertaining. You can be stupid and sexy, stupid and funny but he's just plain stupid. That is not remarkable, that's what I mean.

I love hipsters! Yes, I think they're hilarious. The really cute ones try to look ugly just to prove "I can't be ugly." Normcore was kind of funny too.

If you purposefully look to shock people, it isn't funny. That's what 50 million dollar Hollywood comedies do ; try to be shocking and dirty.

I just happen to be a sucker for humor. So anywhere I can sneak in something that I find potentially interesting or funny I do it as much as I can get away with.

It's a real primal thing, watching someone get hurt. It's funny and accessible.

Success is always less funny than failure.

I write funny nonfiction adventure books about crazy, serious worlds.

I've always run by the hierarchy of "If not funny, interesting. If not interesting, hot. If not hot, bizarre. If not bizarre, break something."

People are so funny. There's no winning with commenters or anonymous people. They'd be rude that I was overweight, and now they're rude that I'm healthy.

I remember getting a Phoenix Suns T-shirt. I had that Phoenix Suns T-shirt forever. It's the funny things you remember as a kid, but it was a blast.

Being a journalist, Hacker had no particular talent for reporting facts.

Stalin didn't write any memoirs. He was too secretive. He was afraid people might read them.

I ain't sleeping. I'm just taking a good look at the insides of my eyelids.

I'm not funny. People assume that because my books are funny, I'll be funny in real life. It's the inevitable disappointment of meeting me.

Come, agree, the law's costly.

It's funny. When I saw the script in my inbox and it said 'Sparkle,' I thought, 'For real? It's really called 'Sparkle?'' I was wondering, too, how does 'Jordin Sparks as Sparkle' sound?

I'm not trying to be ridiculous or funny, but it was rather pleasant to find yourself in isolation, in solitary.

To be reminded that one is very much like other members of the animal kingdom is often funny...though...I do not too much mind being somewhat like a cat.

I've never known an auctioneer to lie unless it was absolutely necessary.

Nobody wants to know what I'm doing 24 hours a day, they'd be painfully bored, trust me. At the same time, if I'm doing something interesting or funny, I like being able to share that with my fans.

I hate birthdays. It's so funny, people always come up to me, "Hey! It's my birthday!" But when it's my birthday, I don't want to talk about it, I don't wanna tell anybody.

I've done all the dumping, which is not a good thing. It's funny, because I married someone who has always done it as well. I believe I met my match.

Peter is ... adjusting. He's back in school, and he's doing quite well. I wish you could find it in your heart to forgive him." "I've got this funny resentful streak about people who try to kill me.