Sometimes WRONG is worth the FUNNY!

I always like to find those little mom-and-pop sandwich places, or diners. Those are my favorite kind of places.

I like those older theaters - the acoustics are perfect, I mean, you just have that feel of there's been a thousand shows in there and now you get to be one.

I chewed up a lot of Florida highway when I was starting out. Used to come to Tampa two or three times a year for about 10 years straight.

As a comic, I've heard gunshots while I'm trying to get to sleep. I've performed where people wanted to do you harm after the show because of something you said.

I mean, yeah, I want to lose some weight! I'm doing the best I can.

Stand-up will always come first. I've been doing it for 22 years, and nothing compares to that connection you have with the audience. It's euphoric.

I'm from Minnesota! I used to work Knuckleheads at the Mall of America as a stand-up. I spent New Year's there once. I'm not trying to namedrop.

She loves mysteries so much, she became one.

The perfect computer has been developed. You just feed in your problems and they never come out again.

I know it's wrong - God, it's all kinds of wrong - but I just want to lie down with you and wake up with you, just once, just once ever in my life.

Battling evil, cruelty, and injustice allows us to retain our identity, a sense of meaning, and ultimately our freedom.

I just don't think men fancy me.

History has shown that at least one-half of every century is consumed in war.

Unfortunately, I feel as actors we have to fight for the right to really go in as many directions as possible.

I felt like my parents were always involved with abstraction, and I wanted to do something very specific.

Every Christian can witness to God in the workplace, not only with words, but above all with an honest life.

Often I'll go to the market, and women will say to me: "Let me see your shoes." And then I show them I'm wearing flip-flops.