Funny Quotes

If you want to talk to me after the show, I'd be surprised.

I would like it if four people did a cartwheel all at once... so I can make a cart.

I believe marriage is a relationship between a man and a woman.

Better a loving single-parent family than a 'conventional' family where the parents hate each other and the father is a demagogue.

Bush is a very stupid man. The American people are not stupid, they are very clever. I can't understand how such clever people came to elect such a stupid president.

We want to tell him [Blair] that we have not executed anybody. They are either killed in battle, most of them get killed because they are cowards anyway, the rest they just get captured.

One can describe them as a boa: when it feels threatened, it runs to somewhere else.

We will be victorious, and they will be defeated.

We will in fact encourage them to commit more suicides. We have given them death and poison.

Saddam Hussein's soldiers and his great forces gave the Americans a lesson which will not be forgotten by history. Truly.

Today we slaughtered them in the airport. They are out of Saddam International Airport

How can you lay siege to a whole country? Who is really under siege now? Baghdad cannot be besieged.

They will try to enter Baghdad, and I think this is where their graveyard will be.

One hundred infidels committed suicide as they entered the holy city of Baghdad. Their tanks will become their tombs.

The infidels are committing suicide by the hundreds on the gates of Baghdad... Be assured, Baghdad is safe, protected. Iraqis are heroes.

I blame al-Jazeera - they are marketing for the Americans!

We counted 19 missiles that landed in a small area of Baghdad.

The force that was in the airport, this force was destroyed.

What they say about a breakthrough is completely an illusion. They are sending their warplanes to fly very low in order to have vibrations on these sacred places.

My feelings - as usual - we will slaughter them all.

Yesterday, we slaughtered them and we will continue to slaughter them.

And this is the third place car about to lap the second place car.

The tires are called wets, because they're used in the wet. And these tires are called slicks, because they're very slick.

A mediocre season for Nelson Piquet as he is now known and always has been.

Frentzen is taking, er, reducing that gap between himself and Frentzen.

I'd basically have trouble with any job that doesn't require me to wear silly clothes and talk in funny voices.

People are just funny sometimes if you find the right character.

I don't see the point of watching men exercise.

I think how tan a person is, is directly proportionate to how dumb they are.

I watch my heart disappearing into her rosebud mouth. My Valentine's jest somehow seems less funny.

Gee, what a terrific party. Later on we'll get some fluid and embalm each other.

It was funny that you know someone for years but still discover something you never noticed before.

These days, rock 'n' roll is much more about rock than about roll. I don't do rock. But I'm interested in that roll part, because that's the funny little bit that makes it hip.

Most books today seemed to have been written overnight from books read the day before.

They call me the confuser. Is he a man... is he a woman? Ooh, I'm not sure if I mind.

When you're famous you can't go to Topshop. Even when I disguise myself in a moustache, baseball cap, sunglasses - the full Madonna kit - it doesn't work: my stupid face is too big.

When I'm with my friends I'm funny, but I don't feel like I'm a funny clown

Never marry a man you wouldn't want to be divorced from.

I hate it. It looks like a stickup at 7-Eleven. Five guys standing there with their hands in the air.

If one official signals Falcons ball and Seahawks quarterback Russell Wilson signals Seahawks ball, is it a jump ball?

Seahawks beat Cardinals, 58-0. If Patriots beat Texans, 58-0, it will be first time in NFL history there were two 58-0 games in same week.

She had a penetrating sort of laugh. Rather like a train going into a tunnel.

Liberals have a quaint and touching faith that truth is on their side and an even quainter faith that journalists are on the side of truth.

Very little is known of the Canadian country since it is rarely visited by anyone but the Queen and illiterate sport fishermen.

A hat should be taken off when you greet a lady and left off for the rest of your life. Nothing looks more stupid than a hat.

Taxi drivers all over the world, by the way, are under Newspaper Guild contract to give easy quotes to foreign correspondents.

If Disney still wants to make Epcot Center futuristic, they could do so by blowing the place up with an atom bomb.

If I bring anything to the table, it's the fact that not everybody realizes they're funny. So I just point a finger.

Visiting Future World is like opening a Chinese fortune cookie to read, "Soon you'll be finished with dinner."

The typical old-fashioned diet (in the nineteenth century) was so bad it almost assembled modern dieting.