Funny Quotes

East Germany was so total in its totalitarianism that everything was banned which wasn't compulsory.

Germans respond well to lies. At least, they always have historically.

I can think of a number of areas in New York where three acres of nuclear waste would make the neighborhood safer to walk around in than it is now, and better lit.

Australia is not very exclusive. On the visa application they still ask if you've been convicted of a felony - although they are willing to give you a visa even if you haven't been.

In Washington journalists can afford to live almost as well as people who work for a living.

Journalists aren't supposed to praise things. It's a violation of work rules almost as serious as buying drinks with our own money or absolving the CIA of something.

If I like it, I say it's mine. If I don't I say it's a fake.

It is one thing to go on stage and be funny or be in a good place in your career, but for a woman, actually facing the elements in a physical way is a very powerful thing.

If your cat falls out of a tree, go indoors to laugh.

It's really funny if two women stand on the House floor. There are usually at least two men who go by and say, 'What is this, a coup?' They're almost afraid to see us in public together.

I never wanted to go on stage alone because if you mess up, who can you blame?

I still read the British papers, but I’ve never been a Royalist, ever. It’s funny, there always seems to be much more of a fascination with the Royal Family over here then there does in England.

Allen's Law of Civilization: It is better for civilization to be going down the drain than to be coming up it.

I have always wanted a mistress who was fat, and I have never found one. To make a fool of me, they are always pregnant.

I remember being fascinated by the very nature of comedy from the age of 10; why is this funny, and that isn't?

Lying to other people is fine and usually funny, but lying to yourself is tacky.

I'm a firm believer that all sports will eventually be global. Someday, we may have a quarterback from China named Yao Fling.

Life is like the stock market. Some days you're up. Some days you're down. And some days you feel like something the bull left behind.

I giggle when I put myself down. It's just funny to me.

If some beggar steals a bridle he'll be hung by a man who's stolen a horse.

I love playing a dad. It's hard to find family dramas that are genuinely funny.

All my wife has ever taken from the Mediterranean - from that whole vast intuitive culture - are four bottles of Chianti to make into lamps, and two china condiment donkeys labelled Sally and Peppy.

When he proposed he said, "We'll make such beautiful music together," but in this duet, his part seems to be all rests.

Your husband is lazy if when he leaves the house, he finds out which way the wind is blowing and goes that direction.

I remember once a vocational director said to Fang, "You must develop some mechanical skills - like getting out of bed."

If you put tomfoolery into a computer, nothing comes out of it but tomfoolery. But this tomfoolery, having passed through a very expensive machine, is somehow enobled and no-one dares criticize it.

A funny thing happened on the way to the election - I got to the Senate first.

The judge is found guilty when a criminal is acquitted.

It's funny, I can see the science in how music is made with other artists, but it's hard for me to dissect my own thing.

A burglar who respects his art always takes his time before taking anything else.

People who have what they want are very fond of telling people who haven't what they want that they don't want it.

Certainly there are lots of things in life that money won't buy, but it's very funny- Have you ever tried to buy them without money?

Young man, the secret of my success is that an early age I discovered that I was not God.

I think it's always funny when somebody thinks you're going to do something super sexy and then you don't.

What I know for sure is that if you can survive 11 days in cramped quarters with a friend and come out laughing, your friendship is the real deal. I know ours is.

I'm stopped. I'll never eat another burger.

I have always said that if I were a rich man, I would employ a professional praiser.

My own business always bores me to death; I prefer other people's.

There is nothing so difficult to marry as a large nose.

The best way to appreciate your job is to, is here to stay.

I never play cricket. It requires one to assume such indecent postures.

Really, if the lower orders don't set a good example, what on earth is the use of them?

The only thing that can console one for being poor is extravagance.

We had times in '66 and '67 when we would pick up a platoon of privates out of the receiving barracks the week before we even graduated the platoon that we were on!

I'm a little funny when it comes to blood and guts and stuff like that.

I've always liked dressing up. And I love a high heel - the higher the better. I just feel funny in flats.

I tell girls all the time that the men that have fallen in love with me, have all fallen during a man repeller stage funny how life works out like that.

Someone's been mean to you! Tell me who it is, so I can punch him tastefully.

There is properly no history, only biography.

Infancy conforms to nobody: all conform to it, so that one babe commonly makes four or five out of the adults who prattle and play to it.