Funny Quotes

One takes what the river offers, both good and bad. The joy of living by running water far outweighs the sorrow.

Be patient with your boaters and let them rant. Most of them will get over it come December.

What is time to a water rat? What is time to the river? Only we humans obsess over days and minutes, hours and seasons.

Sometimes people get mad at The Simpsons' subversive story telling, but there's another message in there, which is a celebration of making wild, funny stories.

One night I attended a Laughing Liberally comedy show. There was one funny comedian there - Lee Camp.

People see my impressions as a great skill and I am flattered, but there are things I can't do that everyone else can. I can do funny voices and funny faces but I can't drive.

And there's a visceral fun in watching Team America and making it, like taking a puppet and throwing it against the wall. Because it's not CG, there's something funny about it.

I played Little League and in high school. I played more over the years whenever there was a pick-up game... usually softball.

Well, I did Marlene 15 years ago and that's in the style. It's somehow similar and not similar because Marlene was much more aggressive, funny and sad.

I don't like to do anything that's mean spirited just because I don't find it funny. I'd rather be the jackass than makes fun of somebody else. It just seems too cheap and easy.

It's funny; as I get older I'm reverting to my roots - I want to plant stuff.

It's funny, I think after you are a star like Sting and you no longer think you need any guidance or aid - it would be great to see those stars work with other songwriters.

I believe the term "blog" means more than an online journal. I believe a blog is a conversation. People go to blogs to read AND write, not just consume.

I wasn't even 20 at the time, but it taught me something about drugs. They can take a good man, a warm, funny, loving family man, and turn him into a loser and worse.

When I say something funny in a newspaper and I meant it to be funny, it doesn't read that way.

See you in the funny papers," he said. Jaunty, he reminded himself; always jaunty. In my panache is their hope for salvation.

It's funny - there's nothing that stops you laughing like the sight of other people laughing about something else.

On the £20,000 Mercedes prizes for each winner at the World Athletics Championships in Stuttgart- Anyone good enough to win already has one.

Success is the next best thing to happiness, and if you can't be happy as a success, it's very unlikely that you would find a deeper, truer happiness in failure.

My vanity is not dead. I laugh when I see pictures of myself as I am now-maybe so I won't cry, but just because it is really funny how much I've changed.

We were so young, so in love, and so in debt.

It upsets women to be, or not to be, stared at hungrily.

A husband only worries about a particular Other Man; a wife distrusts her whole species.

Be glad that you're greedy; the national economy would collapse if you weren't.

All women are good - good for nothing, or good for something.

I love Valentine's Day. When you're a kid everyone gets a Valentine. It's like 'TO TIM, NICE PANTS, LOVE SCOTT'. It's Valentines galore!

When you work for other people you'll find ... that they do know what's best for them, and for the company. And you should listen to them and be respectful, but they don't know what's best for you.

Jewish introspection and Jewish humor is a way of surviving . . . if you're not handsome and you're not athletic and you're not rich, there's still one last hope with girls, which is being funny.

A lot of people like cats. Take the Pope, for example: I read recently that he was a cat-oholic!

Incredible to think isn't it, that every single Scotsman, started off as a scotch egg. Old and gingery.

If they make it illegal to wear the veil at work, bee keepers are going to be furious.

I think we should only get 3 honks a month on the car horn. Then, someone cuts you off, you press the horn, and nothing happens. You're like, "Crap! I wish I hadn't seen Ricky on the sidewalk!"

I got a business card because I wanna win some lunches. That's what my business card says: Mitch Hedberg, Potential Lunch Winner. Gimme a call, maybe we'll have lunch. If I'm lucky!

I was going to get my teeth whitened, but I said, "I'll just get a tan instead."

I used to drink wine. This girl asked me, "Doesn't wine give you a headache?" "Yeah, eventually, but the first and the middle part are amazing!"

I tried to freshen up a room, so I held a Certs in front of a fan.

I have an underwater camera just in case I crash my car into a river, and at the last minute I see a photo opportunity of a fish that I have never seen.

If I was a mechanic and someone called me and said their car would not start, I would say, "Hey - maybe a killer is after you!"

I can whistle with my fingers, especially if I have a whistle.

I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time. You don't have to fry them again after all.

A snake bite emergency kit is a body bag.

I ate one anchovy, and that is why I did not eat two anchovies.

I read that MTV's Real World got 40,000 applications. That's amazing, such an even number. You would have thought it would be 40,008.

I would not want to be a mobile home repo man. Those would be hard to sneak away - "Knock knock - Hi, would you go cut your grass and look that way for a half an hour?"

I use the word totally too much. I need to change it up and use a word that is different but has the same meaning. Mitch do you like submarine sandwiches? All-encompassingly.

My manager said, "Don't use liquor as a crutch!" I can't use liquor as a crutch, because a crutch helps me walk.

It's weird... people say they're not like apes. Now how do you explain football then?

I went to the Home Depot, which was unnecessary. I need to go to the Apartment Depot. Which is just a big warehouse with a whole lot of people standing around saying "We don't have to fix anything."

I cannot tell you what hotel I'm staying at, but there are two trees involved.

I had a chicken finger that was so big, it was a chicken hand.