I'm livin' high on the hog, and let me tell you, hogs make a terrible foundation.

God works in mysterious ways but at least he works, he's never on welfare in a mysterious way.

Folks, I don't trust children. They're here to replace us.

Internet users, that blue screen of death you were looking at this morning? That's the sky. If you're still confused, look it up on Wikipedia tomorrow.

It would be a very short pint. It would be gummy bears and matzah, and be called Chewy Jewy.

I'm a satirist, so I've got boxing gloves on if the person is worthy of satire. But I'm not an assassin.

This is America. We must defend the principles symbolized by Lady Liberty - unless she's on the pill, in which case, she is a giant green tramp.

Don't cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it'll be free yogurt.

An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.

Contrary to what people may say, there's no upper limit to stupidity.

What does Karl Marx put on his pasta? Communist Manipesto!

The heart knows all the sacredness of happiness.

Our first and immutable commitment must be to the security of Israel, our only true ally in the Middle East and the only democracy.

A bruised heart that chooses to beat with a passion for God amid pulsing pain and confusion may just be the most expensive offering placed on the divine altar.

If you paid your mortgage off, it means you probably did not manage your funds efficiently over the years.

The usual cause of evil in the world is that at any given time half the people in the world are awake.

Love happens when we pay attention

Ethics, as has been well said, are the finest fruits of humanity, but they are not its roots

The face you give the world tells the world how to treat you.

Faith draws the poison from every grief, takes the sting from every loss, and quenches the fire of every pain, and only faith can do it.

What might be a brave choice for you, for another person they may simply not experience fear.