Phyllis Diller Quotes

I honestly believe there is absolutely nothing like going to bed with a good #book; or a friend who's #read one.

Your husband drinks too much if he says he never drinks alone, but considers the goldfish somebody.

I'm from such an old family, it's been condemned.

I was so wrinkled I could screw my hats on.

I'm looking for a perfume to overpower men - I'm sick of karate.

All mothers are working mothers.

I should have suspected my husband was lazy. On our wedding day, his mother told me: "I'm not losing a son; I'm gaining a couch."

The reason I'm not an alcoholic is I don't like to drink in front of the kids . . . and when you're away from them, who needs it?.

You can say the nastiest things about yourself without offending anyone.

No matter what time your guests arrive, pretend they're early, so naturally you're not ready.

My husband is so useless that it's hard for me to be romantic with him. I get down on the floor and say, If you love me, blink your eyes.

I don’t want to sound like I’m on dope, but that hour is a high; it’s as good as you can feel. A wonderful, wonderful happiness, and great power.

Fang took the entire family out for coffee and donuts the other night. The kids enjoyed it. It was the first time they'd ever given blood.

I'm the woman who used to think that middle-age spread was a cocktail dip.

I met my husband when a friend sent him over to my house to cure my hiccoughs.

Have the man at the station put the air in the tires. I did it once myself. Have you ever seen a car with a limp?

My mother-in-law buys her coats in a carper shop. She wears a 9x12.

Mothers-in-law do not make good house pets. Once I had the most wonderful dream -- I dreamed that mothers-in-law cost money and I couldn't afford one.

Keep at least one window pane clean to check the weather. Once when I didn't do this I sent the kids off with umbrellas for six weeks straight.

You want to look younger... rent smaller children.

My plastic surgeon ... said my face looked like a bouquet of elbows.

Just the other day I said to Fang, "Don't you think we've got a storybook romance?" and he said, "Yes, and every page is ripped.

Some wives have model husbands, I got one that needed remodeling.

Carry an oar when you drive. Three times I've ended up in water.

My mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle

If it weren't for my adam's apple, I'd have no shape at all.

I'd love to slit my mother-in-law's corsets and watch her spread to death.

When buying a new house ... Buy the house far enough away from school so your kids can't come home for lunch.

Actually, I comb my hair quite often. Of course, I use an electric toothbrush.

Religion is such a medieval idea. Don't get me started. I have thought about every facet of religion, and I can't buy any of it.

Never refer to your wedding night as the original amateur hour.

Tennis is like marrying for money. Love has nothing to do with it.

Fang and I are always fighting. When we get up in the morning, we don't kiss; we touch gloves.

One [expert] said, 'Always have a baby sitter who is acquainted with your children.' If they were acquainted with my children, they wouldn't sit!

Most people get an appointment at a beauty parlor... I was committed!

It's hard to find a negligee in my size. I wear a Junior Mister.

Absolutely nothing was happening in my marriage. I nicknamed my waterbed, Lake Placid!

get married with the feeling it is going to last. Not like the bride I know who doubled the wedding cake recipe and froze one.

How do you know they're growing up? Well, the bite marks are higher.

I still take the pill. I don't want any more grandchildren.

All I ever learned at my mother's knee was what a bony knee looked like.

He has so many muscles he has to make an appointment to move his fingers.

Choose a checked or striped wall paper. People will be halfway home before they are able to focus.

Comedy is tragedy revisited or hostility. It is mock hostility, of course, or it would be ugly; we would have a war.

I became a stand-up comedienne because I had a sit-down husband.

When I go to bed at night, I've got so much grease on my body I wear snow chains to hold up my gown.

The only parts left of my original body are my elbows.

I'll never forget my first fur. It was a modest little stole. Modest? People thought I was wearing anchovies.

It's a certain kind of immortality, because those Disney films do go on and on and on.

Housework won't kill you, but then again, why take the chance?